Facebook Lameness

I confess, I was one of the lame souls with no life whatsoever on a Friday night. At least I snagged facebook.com/brandon.stauffer.

I once added other Brandon Stauffers to my friends list on Facebook, so I know I snagged it from a few of them. Sorry about that, guys. Congratulations, however, on having something better to do on a Friday night.

So yay, I can update all my links and point to my shiny new Facebook id.

The Digital Transition

For the first time in - well, I can't remember how long - I'm not going to have cable TV. I made the decision a few months ago, but haven't actually remembered to call and cancel during business hours (I'm a night owl). But sometime tomorrow, a cable guy will show up to "put a filter on the line" so I can continue receiving Internet (can't cancel THAT!) but not TV. And I have to take my cable box back to the office. Why the repair guy can't pick it up when he's here is beyond me. Mediacom is pretty stupid in the way they do things.

With cable, TiVo also goes. I've had it for 5 years now and have had ZERO complaints. When my first TiVo's hard drive failed, TiVo sent me a refurb unit for free. And while I've not been able to take advantage of the latest services TiVo offers because I have an older series TiVo, I've still be pretty happy with what they offer. Without any TV signal coming into my home, however, I see no point in keeping TiVo.

I keep up with the news via my cell phone and the web. I watch nearly all of my shows online (the exception is stuff from HBO and Showtime, but I wind up getting those eventually from Netflix anyway). In fact, aside from The Daily Show, I'm not sure what I'll really be missing out by dropping cable.

All in all, it'll save about $75 a month (they raise they price of cable Internet if you don't also have TV. Lame, but it's the way companies stuck in the 20th century treat their customers; they'll be obsolete in a few years). Saving money is ALWAYS a good thing.

So I've made my digital transition, just not in the way most broadcasters and advertisers would be happy with.

ABC's of Brandon

I'm incredibly bored today. I had lots of plans for my day off, but the rain canceled each and every last one of them. So now I'm sharing my boredom with you in the form of The ABC's of Brandon. Enjoy!

A - Age: 36 years, 5 months, 29 days, 7 hours, 50 minutes and 25... 26... 27... 28... (I think I added this all up correctly)

B - Bed size: currently, queen size air mattress. :( Have my eye on a california king, but gotta save up the cash.

C - Chore you hate: cleaning litter boxes.

D - Desk orderly or messy: it's mostly orderly now. Usually winds up fairly chaotic until I get tired of it and clean it all up again.

E - Essential start your day item: SHOWER. The longer and hotter, the better.

F - Favorite color: blue, typically.

G - Gold or Silver: silver, please. Though I really prefer the look of stainless with some carbon fiber accent.

H - Height: 5' 9"

I - Instruments you play: I can press play in iTunes. Does that count?

J - Job title: Agent Support Group. Or, Advanced Super Geek. They call me an ASG. Essentially I work on geeky stuff while waiting for tech support agents to come ask me questions on process or tech that they don't know and are too lazy to look up for themselves.

K - Kid(s): Toby, Sabrina, Jasmine, Cole and the foster-child, CJ. Oh, that's a dog and four cats.

L - Living arrangements: A house that hasn't felt like home in a long time. With aforementioned "kids" and a roommate named Russ. The occupants have nothing to do with the house not feeling like home.

M - Mom's name: Sherrie.

N - Nickname: B, B-Man, Bran (only to a select few; I won't answer to it unless you've made the exclusive club), Stauffer (it's my last name) and... OatBran (happy Jen?!)

O - Overnight stay at hospital other than birth: Stayed overnight with an ex when he had surgery because he had no one else to be there with him. And he was scared.

P - Pet Peeves: Chosen ignorance and injustice.

Q - Quote from a movie: Never underestimate the power of denial.

R - Right or left hand: Lefties are in their right minds.

S - Siblings: An older sister.

T - Time you wake up: Around 10:30 AM

U- Underwear: typically knit boxers. Honestly, why do people ask this question? If I care about the type of underwear a certain person wears, I've usually already seen them in said underwear. :)

V - Vegetable you dislike: Onions. Except Sonic onion rings.

W - Ways/Reasons you run late: Always oversleeping! Or thinking I have time for just... one... more... turn...

X - X-rays you've had: Head, teeth, and prolly others that I don't recall.

Y - Yummy foods you make: five cheese chicken spaghetti. It's to die for. Someone once asked me to marry them after only one bit of my famous dish. I also make a to-die-for lemonade cake.

Z - Zoo favorite: Otters! (no jokes, I like real, actual Otters. They entertain me for hours)

Blogging From Work

Should anyone wonder, I assure you that this message was NOT sent from work, using a company computer, to test to see how well both Mail2Blogger and twitterfeed.com are working. No, I'm not bored out of my mind at work or anything of the sort. I am anxiously awaiting the results of both my little test, however. Sorry to bother you all with such a pointless blog entry and tweet (if it all works, that is). I'm now going to hit SEND, but not while at work, and certainly not using a company computer.

Devastated

This is so embarrassing to write. But if I don't get it out in the open, the stress of dealing with it feels like it could crush me.

I went to a very expensive college and have a very useless degree. I also have outrageous amounts I owe in student loans. I've made every effort to keep current, despite the fact that they continually raise my monthly payments.

Late last year, I received a phone call informing me of soon-to-arrive letter that indicated yet another increase in payments. When the woman on the phone told me what it was going up to, I nearly choked. I grabbed my calculator and realized the payments would equal, on average, 72% of my income. I don't know anyone who can survive with a payment like that. I informed her that was simply impossible and I'd like to work out an alternate payment plan. I reminded her that I brought the account back from the brink of defaulted status, and was now current and making payments each month. She said since I graduated so long ago, and had applied for a forbearance more than once, no other options were available to me. And she added that if I didn't pay, they'd garnish my wages.

I know the law only allows 25% of your wages to be garnished (worked in payroll a while), and 25% is better than 72% (and was a little more than what I had been paying already), so I told her, "Fine, garnish my wages. But I can't afford what you're asking." And that was that. They've been garnishing my wages, and I stopped sending them a check each month. In the end, it's all worked out about the same.

Until today.

Today, my checking and savings were wiped out to ZERO. Another garnishment from the same company. When I spoke to my bank, they stated their hands are tied (worked for a bank before, as well, so that's most likely true) and that there was no end date for the garnishment listed. She said it was listed as a "100% Deposit Garnishment" meaning any money put into either of my accounts would instantly be removed and transferred to the student loan lender.

So some legal loophole has allowed them to go from 25% to 100% of my income. My company requires direct deposit for payroll, so I feel kind of fucked here. What do I do? Go to work 60 hours each week and still wind up homeless and hungry? Do I quit my job and go into some cash-only business (not many of those left; I guess I could sell drugs). I don't know. Right now, I have nothing but questions. Obviously I'll need an attorney. I'm not even sure how that will work seeing how attorneys want a retainer upfront before doing ANYTHING (already checked local legal assistance networks: they don't get involved in financial matters; only criminal defense and custody issues). How am I supposed to pay a retainer if I have no access to my income?

I wish I had made better decisions. Sadly, this whole thing could have been avoided. If I had lived in an environment that allowed me to come out of the closet at a younger age, or if I would have just had the balls to do it, I wouldn't have sunk so deep into denial about my sexuality and I would have avoided Bible college. A degree from an Assemblies of God Bible college is USELESS to an openly gay man. I would have, instead, taken one of the many full-ride scholarships offered to me and gone on to become an engineer (I loved all things math in high school). I'd be in such a different place today.

I feel better getting this off my chest and out in the open, though quite embarrassed to admit to such financial calamity. I know I'm in this spot due to my own mistakes and bad decisions. I do, however, need the support of my friends and family right now (and many thanks to everyone who has already offered words of support after a mere Tweet/FB status of "Devastated"). And, on Monday, I'll try to find an attorney who can help me.

It's Complicated

Something in the way [h]e moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way [h]e woos me
I don't want to leave [him] now

-- from "Something" The Beatles

I can't tell you everything we talked about the first time we chatted. I don't remember how long our conversation went on (though I'm sure it was late into the night). I do know I had a pretty bad first impression of him (which was my fault, not his). In fact, I almost didn't didn't respond to his IM in the chat room. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake! It didn't take long to realize this wasn't the typical IM from chat; there was something more to this guy.

Obviously he was able to overcome the negative first impression. That first conversation turned into another, and another and from there to text messages and phone calls. Oh man, those phone calls! We'd talk for hours. In fact, our first phone conversation was two months and a day after we first talked online, and lasted for over two hours. That began weeks of such calls, until he discovered we were repeatedly pushing the number of minutes he has in his cell phone plan. Our schedules haven't lined up very well lately, and I'm really jonesin' to hear his voice.

As he overcame that bad first impression (I won't go into specifics on what it was; but it was my own rush to judgment that created the bad impression), there was this sense of connection. It was different than what I had experienced before. With other guys in the past, it was a crush or "twitterpation" (see the movie Bambi for the definition of "twitterpated." It has nothing to do with Twitter.) With Christopher, this was a deep connection, a spiritual connection; one we both felt. It was as though a beam of light was shining from him to me and back again.

As I began to make public references to him, people began to suspect I was dating someone. But it wasn't that simple. Yeah, there was certainly the desire to ask him out, and there was certainly a mutual attraction on several levels. Conversation flowed freely and often, and even when we see things differently, it's not a disagreement. I was drawn to him, I wanted to spend time with him. Yet he was in Maine, and I'm in Missouri, so "dating" isn't really an easy thing to do. That's how I wound up defaulting to the Facebook relationship status of "It's Complicated."

The distance, grrrr, the distance. Distance is only an obstacle in the end, however. No matter who you're interested in, no matter who you love, there will always be obstacles to overcome. I've dated enough, and talked to enough people in lifelong relationships, to know that there are always obstacles. Obstacles in the beginning, obstacles as it grows, and obstacles all throughout. Don't think for one moment that distance is the worst obstacle, or even in the top 100 most difficult. Distance can easily be spanned. Distance does make things go slower, though, at least for people with budgets like mine. I can't really afford to go see him very often. In the roughly seven months since we "met" in chat, I've spent 11 days with him. If I made a lot of money, I'd hop on a plane and go see him two or three times a month (anyone wanna give up their frequent flier miles to make that a reality?). But it's still only distance, and at least we're on the same continent. It's a small obstacle to overcome, and other people have had to overcome much greater obstacles for a relationship to grow. I don't believe love is limited by distance.

Wait. What? The "L" word? Yup, I said it. I love Christopher. How do I know? Well, Robert Heinlein wrote, "Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I think that's the best way to put it. Now am I in love with Christopher? No, not yet anyway. I'd even dare to say I'm beginning to fall in love with him. I tell you, there's something in the way he moves, in the way he speaks, in the way he looks at me, that makes me fall for him more each time we talk. It makes me think of another song by The Beatles, "Got to Get You Into My Life." Sure, I day-dream and think "what if?" but my feet are firmly planted on the ground. We're still getting to know one another, so I'm not making any "forever" plans.

I've been in love before. Once. I thought I had been in love before that, but I was wrong and realized that when I did finally TRULY fall in love. But I didn't share a spiritual bond with that guy. With Christopher, it's the first time I've really understood the term "soul mates." His vibe, the energy he puts off, his spirituality, it all draws me to him. What I find fascinating is how we say very different things but are often saying the exact same thing. If I do wind up falling in love with Christopher, I could see it being something new I've not experienced before.

I'm fine with this going slow. I don't know where it will go, in fact. Right now, as everyone seeks out some label to attach to us, I'm fine with it just being what it will be. To paraphrase my friend Catie B, Christopher and I are more than friends but not yet to the "boyfriends" stage. It's definitely NOT just a hook-up or a fling. There's something pretty deep there. I just don't yet know what it will become. And that's O.K. But that's why I say "it's complicated." There's the distance that limits the time we can spend together in person (and how I treasure the time we DO get to spend together), and it's not easy to find a label to describe what we have. It's complicated.

So I know there's this guy that I really dig. I know there's this guy I want to keep getting to know. I know there's this guy that I can see being a natural fit in my life (where ever life may take me). I know that when I get to the airport to go see him, I'm like a little kid the night before Christmas and when I get to the airport to leave, it takes a lot to keep from crying. I think about him all the time (there IS that very real connection, and I can "feel" him throughout the day), I dream of him and I want him to be happy.

We had a good talk when I visited him last month. A talk about us, how he feels, how I feel, a good talk. It was a private conversation, and he's a fairly private person, and so the details won't be posted here. It was a conversation that helped me see our relationship (don't put too much emphasis on that "r" word) in a new light, let me know what he's thinking and also showed me that if it grows into anything more than an affectionate friendship, it'll take time. It's time I'm willing to put in, because he's worth the investment. He's worth taking a chance on.

I know my friends and family are worried I'm setting myself up for another heartbreak. I know some people are worried I'm jumping to conclusions or rushing into something serious with someone I barely know. Some are worried I'm about to up and move across the country or make life changing decisions. Let me assure you that there's nothing to worry about. Yeah, I do day-dream about the future, and those romantic "what if's" but I'm not delusional that these day dreams are anywhere close to reality. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Only time will tell.

So I'm left with the face that our paths have crossed. We have a deep, dare I say spiritual connection. Oh, and yeah, he's sexy as hell. His worldview, his spirituality, his creativity and his interests, his looks, his body and his personality... everything about him draws me in, makes me wanna know him more and makes me miss him when we're apart. And yet, it's complicated. But it's O.K. The complications are cast in a beautiful light, and can be resolved. And until then, I'm not gonna worry too much about the destination and simply enjoy the journey.

And, once again, Alanis has the perfect song. Here's "In Praise of the Vulnerable Man" from the album Flavors of Entanglement. I think of Christopher every time I hear this song, and I smile.

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with
Oh you, never hotter than with armor spent

When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism

And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents

And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

(apologies to The Beatles for changing up their lyrics at the opening of this post)

More Tweet Cloud

I don't know why these fascinate me so much, but here's my latest Tweet Cloud.

my over week hours now i'm can't make after looking forward next #sgf work day @christopherknox done april someone schedule :) pm @waynestanford need wish something

If you're on Twitter, follow me (brandon72mo)! And why not check out previous Tweet clouds of mine here, here and here)? All of this is made possible by Twitter Grader.

Again With The Phoenix Affirmations

Nearly three years ago now, I made mention of The Phoenix Affirmations in my blog. Four months later, I mentioned it again, writing that I would soon begin diving into each point with my own thoughts and commentary.

Well, here we are in April of 2009, and that's all I have to show for it. Well, in my blog anyway. I've been working through a lot of it in my head and on paper, but never really getting enough together to put it something meaningful. I'm almost there.

So, hopefully, sometime this month (and maybe even this week, depending on how the week goes), I plan to begin my own affirmation by affirmation response to The Phoenix Affirmations. Why am I posting this now? Well, because this gives me motivation to keep at it. Plus it allows me to point you to the link in the sidebar of my blog (or right here, since many of you read via feed) to The Phoenix Affirmations so you can read through them if you're so inclined. I'd encourage you to read through the long version. Or better yet, read the book by Eric Elnes.

Here's looking forward to Affirmation 1 and all the controversy is may stir!

Tapes

I'll be the first to admit, my tweets are often vague and, many times, not really understood by anyone but me (though easily understood by those paying attention in my life). I'm not trying to be enigmatic or such, I just often don't have any way to express what's really on my mind. Lately, most of it's been connected.

This is all difficult to write.

Difficult to put into words. Difficult to let someone read. Difficult.

I'm a pretty together guy, and not much really ruffles my feathers. A guy at work even asked me recently, "How is it you're so calm about EVERYTHING?" And it's true. Usually. I'm laid back, easy going, "Come what may" through most of my days. Even big things typically don't knock me off track.

Yet there's the ever present swirling of self-defeating thoughts in my mind. "You're always going to be second-best." "They'd be happier if they had a straight son." "He's not really into you." "You're going to die alone." "Your friends only come around when they need something." "You don't really contribute to the world." "Everyone abandons you."

I don't know where all these thoughts come from. I'm not as insecure as this post may make it sound. Yet, let the smallest rejection, the almost imperceptible slight come my way and I'm done. Cue the tapes, let them play their anthems of "Not worthy!"

The weird thing about all of this is that I know, deep down, I'm a good person. I'm a good son who not only loves and adores his parents, but also strives to make them proud and hopes that, in their golden years, I am able to repay the lifetime of generosity they've shown me. I'm a good friend, always ready to drop what I'm doing to lend an ear, offer a ride or simply help, never expecting, or requesting, anything in return. I'm a good boyfriend (though currently, essentially, single; it's complicated), offering my love unconditionally, seeking compromise and growth and communication. And despite being overweight (there's my biggest insecurity), I'm a fairly good looking guy; my looks not indicating that I'm approaching 37 years old.

So where does all this come from? Why do I often feel as though I've disappointed my family? I often think they'd be happier if I weren't gay (which would be their problem, not mine, but I still feel like I've disappointed them). Or more proud if I made more money or owned my own home or could afford a new car. Or maybe they'd visit me more if I did something different, cleaned my house more often or didn't have all these pets. I was crushed this past Christmas when my parents only spent 90 minutes in Springfield after days in Hot Springs. They wouldn't stay because my pets had a flea problem last summer (now completely under control) and my parents didn't want to risk their dogs getting fleas. I was so hurt and angry, feeling as though those three dogs (that I don't even like; they're yappy) were more important than spending time with me. It's not true, and I know it's not true (though I'm still obviously kinda hurt about it), but it was a huge blow.

I've been flat out rejected and abandoned by friends in my life. My best friend ever, the man I can honestly say has been closer to me than any other person alive, just one day walked away. I came out, his wife couldn't deal with that and so I was dropped. Over a decade of friendship, deep, meaningful, open up your soul and hide nothing, was just tossed aside. I never got an explanation. I was simply told not to try analyze it. I felt so disposable. So easy to walk away from. I still haven't gotten over that. I've forgiven him and I'm no longer angry at his wife, but it still stings. And he's not the only one. I've had friends who declared their undying friendship and love to me bolt the first time I did anything that rocked the boat. I know I give my best to people, and it's up to them to choose whether to stick around. I know I'm a good friend.

And the men. Oh man, the men, my past boyfriends. This is where the tapes play most often, play the loudest, play the most rotten tunes. With one exception, all of my boyfriends have cheated on me. Two of them cheated more than once. One continued doing so even after I told him I knew. And when things came to an end (cheating is not a deal breaker to me but it does destroy trust and requires a rebuild that will take quite some time), it seemed like they moved on so easily. Like the time we shared was meaningless. Again, like I was disposable. In relationships, I've always felt like I had to be the one to offer compromise, I had to be the one willing to back down, I had to be the one willing to give up something. If I wasn't, it seemed like a general, "Well, fuck you" attitude coming from the other end. I know it wasn't me that caused them to cheat; that it was their own issues that took them there. And I know I am better off without them all (though that one I was in love with, man, he'll always have a piece of my heart)..

And then there's the ones who I was starting to get to know, who seemed to hold promise, who just sort of disappeared one day. Guys who seemed interested, we'd hang out once or twice and... they vanish. Things seemed to be going well, we seemed to hit it off, then... nothing. Just gone. "What did you do wrong this time?" But I didn't. I was me, a likable guy.

And this all plays in my head. All of it. Even with my current romantic interest. I have no idea how to label it, and I've given up trying. To paraphrase Catie B, he and I are something more than friends, but not yet boyfriends and certainly far more than a hookup. I have no idea what the future holds and, most days, I'm O.K. with that. Right now is a busy time for him, and again, I'm O.K. with that. But these damn tapes start playing, these voices move through my head and I begin to fear. "He could make a little time for you." "He hasn't texted; what did I do wrong?" "I guess he's not really into me like he once was. Maybe he never was." "He's so far away; he'll find someone else, someone better" "He's so sexy, in such good shape, what would he want with a fat ass like me?" And it's all lame. He's been nothing but open with me about what he feels and what he's thinking; we had a GREAT talk about things when I visited two weeks ago.

And yet the tapes. The voices. The insecurity. Where the fuck does it come from? How can I truly be such a together person, how is it I have such inner peace and calm and yet all this bullshit is going on in the back of my mind? I wish I could explain it.

I recently watched an episode of 30 Rock via Netflix's Watch Instantly. In it, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), reveals her fear of choking to death, alone in her apartment, or slipping when getting into the tub. It was a funny scene, but I could also totally relate. I fear dying alone, no one missing me, no one even noticing, no one to mourn, no one to have said I spent 30 or 40 years in love with.

Why does it seem like I'm so easy to leave? How can I be such a good guy and yet be so unwanted? Why am I so calm, cool and collected and yet plagued by these insecurities? How can I know all this and yet be torn apart by the smallest rejections? Why do these insecurities echo so loudly that I often can't shut them off or, worse, start believing them? I want to make sense of it all.

Until then, I've found a way to turn them off, at least for an hour or two. But I'd much rather find the source. Then I could rip it out and turn it all off for good.

As usual, there's a couple of songs about this whole thing that are very near to my heart. And, as usual, these lyrics come courtesy of Alanis. Buy a copy of these from itunes.

"Tapes" by Alanis Morissette. From the album Flavors of Entanglement

I am someone easy to leave
Even easier to forget
A voice, if inaccurate
Again, I'm the one they all run from
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

I'm too exhausting to be loved
A volatile chemical
Best to quarantine and cut off

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

I'm but thorn in your sweet side
You'd be better off without me
It'd be best to leave at once

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

And from Under Rug Swept, "So Unsexy"

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again, am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me