Something in the way [h]e moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way [h]e woos me
I don't want to leave [him] now
-- from "Something" The Beatles
I can't tell you everything we talked about the first time we chatted. I don't remember how long our conversation went on (though I'm sure it was late into the night). I do know I had a pretty bad first impression of him (which was my fault, not his). In fact, I almost didn't didn't respond to his IM in the chat room. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake! It didn't take long to realize this wasn't the typical IM from chat; there was something more to this guy.
Obviously he was able to overcome the negative first impression. That first conversation turned into another, and another and from there to text messages and phone calls. Oh man, those phone calls! We'd talk for hours. In fact, our first phone conversation was two months and a day after we first talked online, and lasted for over two hours. That began weeks of such calls, until he discovered we were repeatedly pushing the number of minutes he has in his cell phone plan. Our schedules haven't lined up very well lately, and I'm really jonesin' to hear his voice.
As he overcame that bad first impression (I won't go into specifics on what it was; but it was my own rush to judgment that created the bad impression), there was this sense of connection. It was different than what I had experienced before. With other guys in the past, it was a crush or "twitterpation" (see the movie
Bambi for the definition of "twitterpated." It has nothing to do with Twitter.) With Christopher, this was a deep connection, a spiritual connection; one we both felt. It was as though a beam of light was shining from him to me and back again.
As I began to make public references to him, people began to suspect I was dating someone. But it wasn't that simple. Yeah, there was certainly the desire to ask him out, and there was certainly a mutual attraction on several levels. Conversation flowed freely and often, and even when we see things differently, it's not a disagreement. I was drawn to him, I wanted to spend time with him. Yet he was in Maine, and I'm in Missouri, so "dating" isn't really an easy thing to do. That's how I wound up defaulting to the Facebook relationship status of "It's Complicated."
The distance, grrrr, the distance. Distance is only an obstacle in the end, however. No matter who you're interested in, no matter who you love, there will always be obstacles to overcome. I've dated enough, and talked to enough people in lifelong relationships, to know that there are always obstacles. Obstacles in the beginning, obstacles as it grows, and obstacles all throughout. Don't think for one moment that distance is the worst obstacle, or even in the top 100 most difficult. Distance can easily be spanned. Distance does make things go slower, though, at least for people with budgets like mine. I can't really afford to go see him very often. In the roughly seven months since we "met" in chat, I've spent 11 days with him. If I made a lot of money, I'd hop on a plane and go see him two or three times a month (anyone wanna give up their frequent flier miles to make that a reality?). But it's still only distance, and at least we're on the same continent. It's a small obstacle to overcome, and other people have had to overcome much greater obstacles for a relationship to grow. I don't believe love is limited by distance.
Wait. What? The "L" word? Yup, I said it. I love Christopher. How do I know? Well, Robert Heinlein wrote, "Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I think that's the best way to put it. Now am I
in love with Christopher? No, not yet anyway. I'd even dare to say I'm beginning to fall in love with him. I tell you, there's something in the way he moves, in the way he speaks, in the way he looks at me, that makes me fall for him more each time we talk. It makes me think of another song by The Beatles, "Got to Get You Into My Life." Sure, I day-dream and think "what if?" but my feet are firmly planted on the ground. We're still getting to know one another, so I'm not making any "forever" plans.
I've been in love before. Once. I thought I had been in love before that, but I was wrong and realized that when I did finally TRULY fall in love. But I didn't share a spiritual bond with that guy. With Christopher, it's the first time I've really understood the term "soul mates." His vibe, the energy he puts off, his spirituality, it all draws me to him. What I find fascinating is how we say very different things but are often saying the exact same thing. If I do wind up falling in love with Christopher, I could see it being something new I've not experienced before.
I'm fine with this going slow. I don't know where it will go, in fact. Right now, as everyone seeks out some label to attach to us, I'm fine with it just being what it will be. To paraphrase my friend Catie B, Christopher and I are more than friends but not yet to the "boyfriends" stage. It's definitely NOT just a hook-up or a fling. There's something pretty deep there. I just don't yet know what it will become. And that's O.K. But that's why I say "it's complicated." There's the distance that limits the time we can spend together in person (and how I treasure the time we DO get to spend together), and it's not easy to find a label to describe what we have. It's complicated.
So I know there's this guy that I really dig. I know there's this guy I want to keep getting to know. I know there's this guy that I can see being a natural fit in my life (where ever life may take me). I know that when I get to the airport to go see him, I'm like a little kid the night before Christmas and when I get to the airport to leave, it takes a lot to keep from crying. I think about him all the time (there IS that very real connection, and I can "feel" him throughout the day), I dream of him and I want him to be happy.
We had a good talk when I visited him last month. A talk about us, how he feels, how I feel, a good talk. It was a private conversation, and he's a fairly private person, and so the details won't be posted here. It was a conversation that helped me see our relationship (don't put too much emphasis on that "r" word) in a new light, let me know what he's thinking and also showed me that if it grows into anything more than an affectionate friendship, it'll take time. It's time I'm willing to put in, because he's worth the investment. He's worth taking a chance on.
I know my friends and family are worried I'm setting myself up for another heartbreak. I know some people are worried I'm jumping to conclusions or rushing into something serious with someone I barely know. Some are worried I'm about to up and move across the country or make life changing decisions. Let me assure you that there's nothing to worry about. Yeah, I do day-dream about the future, and those romantic "what if's" but I'm not delusional that these day dreams are anywhere close to reality. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Only time will tell.
So I'm left with the face that our paths have crossed. We have a deep, dare I say spiritual connection. Oh, and yeah, he's sexy as hell. His worldview, his spirituality, his creativity and his interests, his looks, his body and his personality... everything about him draws me in, makes me wanna know him more and makes me miss him when we're apart. And yet, it's complicated. But it's O.K. The complications are cast in a beautiful light, and can be resolved. And until then, I'm not gonna worry too much about the destination and simply enjoy the journey.
And, once again, Alanis has the perfect song. Here's "In Praise of the Vulnerable Man" from the album
Flavors of Entanglement. I think of Christopher every time I hear this song, and I smile.
You are the bravest man I’ve ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge
You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with
Oh you, never hotter than with armor spent
When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify
This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism
And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through
This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man
You are the greatest man I’ve ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents
And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage
This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man
(apologies to The Beatles for changing up their lyrics at the opening of this post)