My Words

A Fresh Look for My Words

2012-01-04T02:38:00.002-06:00

I've update my blog to use Bloggers new-ish "Dynamic Views." Though I did do some minor customization so I could keep a version of that synapses/neurons header. What do you think?

I know I haven't written anything in what would be a lifetime according to the Interwebs. I have been locked up in my own head for quite some time and not felt like any of it was worth sharing. I have recently updated Tapes, an entry originally posted almost three years ago.

Clever Google

2011-11-04T04:39:00.000-05:00

I meant to Google View Askew, but forgot the "View". This was the result:

You can find some other fun Google Easter Eggs here.

(sorry for all the splotchy black lines; edited out personal info. Try the trick for yourself!)

Snow Day

2011-02-01T10:50:00.008-06:00

I snagged this pic from www.ozarkstraffic.info; the camera is about two blocks from my house. The pic was taken at 10:40 AM today. You can usually see the sidewalk just outside my house on this camera. Lots of snow and ice today here in Springfield. Glad it's my day off! The snowfall is beautiful, but it unnerves me a little bit hearing a lot of ice pelting the windows with it. If you're out in this storm today, be careful.

I shoveled a nice clear pathway to the gate just about 30 minutes ago. The snow is falling so fast, and the wind blowing so much, you can barely tell I was even out there. And check out those Toby paw prints. That dog loves snow! He can fling it at you with his nose and his aim is near perfect. The entire time I was shoveling, he was throwing snow at me.

This was shot from my bedroom window. My house is split-level, so my eye-level is also right at ground level. It was rather calm when I shot this, but the snow has been falling very heavily and the wind is blowing it around so much I can barely see my gate at times.

And here's Toby, a few hours later. He's not so sure about his love affair with snow at this point, I think.

An near battalion of snow plows approaches Battlefield and Glenstone around 2:30. And local residents say the plows aren't out. Pshaw!

The Rally to Restore Sanity - Are YOU Going?

2010-09-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Rally to Restore Sanity

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Skip ahead to about the 30 second mark, and be sure to save the date. I hope to be able to attend, because, hey, finally a political rally that makes sense!

AppCrap, or, Facebook Is Irrelevant

2010-08-03T20:05:00.000-05:00

I've not posted anything to my blog all year. When I finally break my silence, what do I do? Complain.

I'm going to start removing every "friend" on Facebook who posts stupid game and application crap to my wall. It's bad enough that the news feed has become almost nothing but CrapVille announcements, but I shouldn't have it invading my profile when I have all those apps blocked to begin with. Facebook is becoming more and more irrelevant to my life each day anyway. It's sole use for me lately is to see what's going on with family and some people I hung out with 20 years ago (many of them are people I wish I could still hang out with). Beyond that, I don't use it for much.

I don't know why all the Facebook application wall spam annoys me so much, but it does. It seems only a handful of people are the offenders, however. If an application asks me if I want to post to my friends wall, I block the application (and I want to know if my stuff is getting posted directly to your wall - not your news feed, your wall - so I can remove those apps). I may have missed a setting somewhere on Facebook, but all I can find for privacy controls is that people either can or can't post to my wall (including via applications, a nice little loophole Facebook included), but I can't control WHAT type of content is posted. I would like to block applications instead of people, but until I can find such a setting, I'll just keep blocking people. And seeing how often Facebook annoys me, I don't stick around on Facebook long enough to really explore any new privacy settings.

Anyway, this is a rambling rant. But I feel better getting it off my chest.

Oh, and if I remove you from friends on Facebook, it doesn't mean you're not a friend. It just means you annoyed the hell out of me with something you did on Facebook. :)

A Decision to Make

2009-11-13T22:45:00.001-06:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you've learned a few things recently. First, I'll be going to visit my parents in Ohio for Thanksgiving. Second, this trip was brought on because my grandmother is dying (no need for condolences; she and I were never close).

As far as I know, my Mom's side of the family are the only people in my extended family that don't know I'm gay. That's mainly because they're not really people who play any significant roles in my life. It's also because my Mom asked me to to keep it that way. She's not really given me any real solid reasons why, but since we're talking about people I see for a couple hours every half a dozen years or so, it's not really bothered me all that much. All of the people who truly matter to me already know.

Well, I'll be spending Thanksgiving with not only Mom & Dad, but grandma and I'm assuming my uncle and his wife and kids (and their kids). Usually, if the topic of sexuality comes up (whether through the "Why aren't you married yet?" questions or the homophobic remarks people make), I don't shy away from being open about my own sexuality. What will I do in a couple weeks? Do I stick with my usual response and let them know I'm gay or do I simply dodge the issue entirely? Normally I wouldn't hesitate to go with the former.

This time around, it's a little different. My main consideration here is my Mom. Since my extended family really doesn't feel like family to me (we moved away when I was young, and the extended family has never been present in my life since), I'm not all that concerned with their opinions of me. I am concerned about keeping things as simple as possible for my Mom right now, though. She's going through enough with her mom dying; why potentially add to her stress? I have no idea how her brother or mother or any of them would react, but from what I've heard, they've made some pretty harsh homophobic comments about one of grandma's former neighbors. So I dunno.

Right now, I'm leaning toward just dodging the issue and doing everything I can to make sure my Mom & Dad enjoy Thanksgiving. But there's a part of me that agonizes over accepting the closet, even if just for one day, because I have vowed to be an open and honest person in all things. Maybe I should just not worry about myself at all that day. It seems that, in this scenario, keeping my mouth shut is the best thing to do.

Thoughts? Seriously, I'd like to hear from anyone and everyone with advice on this one.

A New Theme

2009-10-10T17:55:00.001-05:00

I was bored today. Very very bored. And my blog has needed a new look for quite some time. So, you're looking at it (unless you're reading this years from now, then it prolly looks different). I dig the layout, I dig the colors, and I even dig the neurons image in the header.

What do you think of it? Hit the comment link below and let me know!

I snagged it from www.deluxetemplates.net. Check 'em out; good templates and all for free.

What I Want. What I Need.

2009-09-19T19:25:00.005-05:00

I don't really like this time of year. I dig the weather, but that's about it. There's a lot of loss associated with this time of year for me. And as others start talking of holiday plans with family, I'm reminded that my own finances and lack of time prevent me from spending time with family as I'd like.

The one upside, I suppose, is that people like to buy me stuff. And hey, we all like new toys, right? This year has been a year of me getting rid of things. My goal is shed 11 years worth of "stuff" that I've accumulated in the time I've lived in this house. I want to get rid of so much that eventually everything will fit into a small moving truck and my car (which I hope will be a Honda Element or something similar). Once that's possible, I want to get a MUCH smaller place; maybe a nice loft apartment or something.

Despite getting rid of stuff, there's always new stuff I need. Or want. This year, as my birthday approaches (10/30), with Christmas soon after, I figured I'd be a little proactive. I used to maintain "wish lists" but, honestly, they're too much work to keep up with. Besides, the list of things I need and want right now is pretty small.

So if you're one of the people who, at some point through the year, wonders "What should I get Brandon?" or if you're just curious what my selfish little heart longs for (Hrm, I suppose it's rather pointless to include a list of one or two guys I'd like to receive as presents, eh? Yeah, thought so), then read on.

The Needs

A new bed. My former bed was destroyed when a pipe broke in my home. Since then, I've resorted to sleeping on an air mattress. That air mattress has developed a slow leak so by time I wake up, my spine is twisted in all sorts of odd bends and shapes. It's causing some major backaches and I suspect it's prolly linked to my sudden uptick in migraines. I'd like something queen size (don't make the joke), in mission style. Something like this:

Tires. The tires on my current car are BALD. In a heavy downpour, the car struggles for traction, especially on hills. With winter coming, snow and ice are going to be downright dangerous! I need to get this problem solved ASAP. I'd much rather buy a new car, but until I get something sorted out with my astronomically high student loan payments, a car payment isn't really an option. I could take money out of my retirement fund (which I contribute to rather generously - no changes to contributions or the way I manage my investments despite the rise in student loan payments - since I wanna be lazy when I retire) but:

that's stupid
I'd pay penalties
that's STUPID (it's for retirement, not tires).

So, for safety, I need tires.

The Wants

A new car. Right, like anyone is gonna buy me a car. Still, I want one. My car is pushing 13 years old, is domestic, and is quickly piling up symptoms of old age. I take great care of it, but there's only so much you can expect from a Chevy Lumina. They weren't really great cars to begin with. Right now, and for a while now, I've been stuck on the Honda Element. With their slight make-over for this model year, I want one now more than ever.

XBOX360 Repaired. The optical drive on my XBOX has gone kaput, and I'd really like it fixed. I haven't gotten to try out any of the DLC for any of my favorite games, and I'm missing a lot of great new releases. It's only a hundred bucks, but still, those student loans are killing me, so it's sat without repair for a while now. For a gamer like me, this is a sad, sad thing.

The Beatles Remastered Stereo Box Set. *sigh* I needed the money, so since mine didn't arrive on 09.09.09 as I expected, I've canceled the order (and hope the refund processes quickly). Now, despite it being listed last, this is THE one thing I currently want the most! Apparently a lot of other people feel the same way given that the thing is often sold out. Supply should be catching up soon, though. I can't imagine a better gift this year than this box set.

And as far as that list of boys, well, it's a short list. They both know they're on it. Neither one wants the same with me. So, we won't provide that list. I'm thankful to have them both in my life as friends, however, so there's only a small bit of lament that these two wishes won't be coming true.

And you were hoping for pictures of those guys. :)

So there ya have it. A totally self-involved, all about me blog post telling people what I want and need. No shame, eh?

The Migraine Sufferer (or, Legalize It!)

2009-09-13T22:55:00.009-05:00

For legal purposes, and should any current or potential employers come snooping around, I post this disclaimer: Do not assume the identity of anyone in this blog! Yeah, like that'll hold up. Oh, and another disclaimer: I'm a terrible writer (you already knew that if you follow my blog).

Anyway... here's the story.

The Doctor shook his head, let out a deep sigh and said, "We've tried every prescription you can take. You're allergic to most painkillers. I don't know what else to try."

"Well, I know I can't live with these migraines. I'm missing work too much and it's going to ruin my career. They get so bad that I often throw up. I won't go on disability, but I don't know what to do," The Migraine Suffered replied.

The Doctor paused, clearly struggling with what he was about to say. "You could always find a dealer."

The words seemed to hang in the air for days. Did a physician really just say that? Before The Migraine Sufferer could find any reasonable response, the Doctor continued. "If we lived in another state, I could write a prescription and you could have relief this afternoon. But we don't. So be careful."

It would be two more years of almost daily migraines before The Migraine Sufferer would even consider the advice of the Doctor. In the fall of 2006, that changed. Four days of pain at 9 or 10, enough was enough. The Migraine Sufferer began to carefully ask around, trying to find relief.

That relief finally came on January 1st, 2007. He hadn't known a day without pain in years, and was overcome with joy to have a pain-free day. There was also apprehension.

"What if I get busted?" "What if I go broke?" "Is it really a gateway drug?" "Aren't there other health risks in smoking ANY substance?" "How could I do something I once so clearly identified as wrong?" The Migraine Sufferer found lots of new questions, but one was finally answered: a life without migraines was possible.

If only it were legal.

The Migraine Sufferer spent most days back in pain again, either unable to find a reliable source, unable to come up with the necessary cash, or fearful of being arrested, or worse. When the pain became too much, he would find a source and have one or two pain-free days.

It wasn't until about three months ago that The Migraine Sufferer found a fairly reliable, trustworthy source and began to experience more days without pain than with it. It has been life changing. Interestingly enough, most of the stereotypes failed to live up to the hype. There was no desire to try anything more. The Migraine Sufferer saw his work performance increase and even received a promotion. People noticed a very positive change in his mood and even his appearance. Well, one stereotype came true: The Migraine Sufferer was much more relaxed throughout the day.

Then weeks like this one comes along. The reliable source runs out and can't seem to get anything that's not outrageously expensive. Sources of friends are put out of business (threatened or arrested), or also can't find anything. Those who have it aren't sharing, because they too realize there's a sudden and strange shortage in supply. Then the weekend comes along and the migraines return with a ferocity that hasn't been felt in almost a year. The Migraine Sufferer spent his entire weekend hiding in the dark silence of his bedroom. Every sight, every sound, every smell, every movement bringing unbearable pain. Four different times the pain was so bad he puked. At this very moment, The Migraine Sufferer would classify the pain at about a 5, spiking to a 7 every now and then. Work was not productive for The Migraine Sufferer today.

The Migraine Sufferer knows that some of his friends and family judge him. They think he's abusing drugs. They think he's a stoner (as if!). They can't (or refuse to) understand that The Migraine Sufferer doesn't need their approval, though. They judge, but he does not feel it. He just worries that they'll let an issue (or issues) they don't agree with become a wall that separates them. He wishes they cared more about his well-being than what they see as a moral issue.

The Migraine Sufferer also wishes more of his friends and family would get on board to push for legalization. Not just decriminalization, but actual, complete legalization of medicinal use. It's absurd that pain relief and the ability to function, productively, should carry the risk of imprisonment or getting hold of a bag that's laced with something or any of the other risks currently inherent in the ridiculousness of prohibition.

The Migraine Sufferer has also been pleasantly surprised by the sheer variety of people who also partake for either medicinal or recreational reasons. It was almost shocking to see the various people who partake, on a regular basis, from all walks of life, at all stations in life, most of whom are fully productive members of society. The Migraine Sufferer has made several new friends, none of them stereotypical stoners and one of them becoming such a dear friend that the phrase 'soul-mate' pops up now and then (The Migraine Sufferer believes we each have several soul-mates in this lifetime).

There's been several moments of revelation that come through the altered consciousness that such pain relief methods can bring if used in greater amounts. Ideas, answers, understanding that never would have come any other way, things that once perplexed that now make total sense.

Some of you have no idea what I'm talking about. Others shake their head in judgment and disbelief. Still others, the majority I suspect, can empathize and understand and, perhaps, agree. I'm also guessing that many of you have tried it, many on a regular basis, at least once in your lifetime. So let's get it legalized. Let's start today. Let's do it for all of The Migraine Sufferers out there.

For more compelling, and better, arguments, please check out The Union: The Business Behind Getting High (and become a fan on Facebook) and support NORML to bring about change in our prohibition laws.

Reasonable Doubt

2009-09-11T18:44:00.003-05:00

So let's say someone stops by your house with some of their friends (we'll call them 3rd party and 4th party), but you're not home at the time. And let's say that, when you get home later that evening, you notice that something, cash perhaps, is missing. Most of it anyway. The envelope that held it is gone, but a few bills are found dropped on the floor. You know your friend was looking for something in your house, so you call them to see if they saw the envelope with the cash. When 3rd party hears what's being talked about, this 3rd party suddenly interjects with "They better not be blaming me!"

No one had been blamed or even suspected. It was assumed the envelope had been inadvertently pushed aside during a search for something else.

The next day, the same 3rd party suddenly begins sending threatening text messages, suggesting how ridiculous it is to even think they would be capable of theft, and on and on for most of the afternoon.

No one had really suspected the 3rd party. Until all that went down. Now, well... the 3rd party doth protest too much, methinks.

Agree or disagree?

Facebook Lameness

2009-06-12T23:03:00.001-05:00

I confess, I was one of the lame souls with no life whatsoever on a Friday night. At least I snagged facebook.com/brandon.stauffer.

I once added other Brandon Stauffers to my friends list on Facebook, so I know I snagged it from a few of them. Sorry about that, guys. Congratulations, however, on having something better to do on a Friday night.

So yay, I can update all my links and point to my shiny new Facebook id.

The Digital Transition

2009-06-12T11:23:00.003-05:00

For the first time in - well, I can't remember how long - I'm not going to have cable TV. I made the decision a few months ago, but haven't actually remembered to call and cancel during business hours (I'm a night owl). But sometime tomorrow, a cable guy will show up to "put a filter on the line" so I can continue receiving Internet (can't cancel THAT!) but not TV. And I have to take my cable box back to the office. Why the repair guy can't pick it up when he's here is beyond me. Mediacom is pretty stupid in the way they do things.

With cable, TiVo also goes. I've had it for 5 years now and have had ZERO complaints. When my first TiVo's hard drive failed, TiVo sent me a refurb unit for free. And while I've not been able to take advantage of the latest services TiVo offers because I have an older series TiVo, I've still be pretty happy with what they offer. Without any TV signal coming into my home, however, I see no point in keeping TiVo.

I keep up with the news via my cell phone and the web. I watch nearly all of my shows online (the exception is stuff from HBO and Showtime, but I wind up getting those eventually from Netflix anyway). In fact, aside from The Daily Show, I'm not sure what I'll really be missing out by dropping cable.

All in all, it'll save about $75 a month (they raise they price of cable Internet if you don't also have TV. Lame, but it's the way companies stuck in the 20th century treat their customers; they'll be obsolete in a few years). Saving money is ALWAYS a good thing.

So I've made my digital transition, just not in the way most broadcasters and advertisers would be happy with.

ABC's of Brandon

2009-04-29T20:41:00.004-05:00

I'm incredibly bored today. I had lots of plans for my day off, but the rain canceled each and every last one of them. So now I'm sharing my boredom with you in the form of The ABC's of Brandon. Enjoy!

A - Age: 36 years, 5 months, 29 days, 7 hours, 50 minutes and 25... 26... 27... 28... (I think I added this all up correctly)

B - Bed size: currently, queen size air mattress. :( Have my eye on a california king, but gotta save up the cash.

C - Chore you hate: cleaning litter boxes.

D - Desk orderly or messy: it's mostly orderly now. Usually winds up fairly chaotic until I get tired of it and clean it all up again.

E - Essential start your day item: SHOWER. The longer and hotter, the better.

F - Favorite color: blue, typically.

G - Gold or Silver: silver, please. Though I really prefer the look of stainless with some carbon fiber accent.

H - Height: 5' 9"

I - Instruments you play: I can press play in iTunes. Does that count?

J - Job title: Agent Support Group. Or, Advanced Super Geek. They call me an ASG. Essentially I work on geeky stuff while waiting for tech support agents to come ask me questions on process or tech that they don't know and are too lazy to look up for themselves.

K - Kid(s): Toby, Sabrina, Jasmine, Cole and the foster-child, CJ. Oh, that's a dog and four cats.

L - Living arrangements: A house that hasn't felt like home in a long time. With aforementioned "kids" and a roommate named Russ. The occupants have nothing to do with the house not feeling like home.

M - Mom's name: Sherrie.

N - Nickname: B, B-Man, Bran (only to a select few; I won't answer to it unless you've made the exclusive club), Stauffer (it's my last name) and... OatBran (happy Jen?!)

O - Overnight stay at hospital other than birth: Stayed overnight with an ex when he had surgery because he had no one else to be there with him. And he was scared.

P - Pet Peeves: Chosen ignorance and injustice.

Q - Quote from a movie: Never underestimate the power of denial.

R - Right or left hand: Lefties are in their right minds.

S - Siblings: An older sister.

T - Time you wake up: Around 10:30 AM

U- Underwear: typically knit boxers. Honestly, why do people ask this question? If I care about the type of underwear a certain person wears, I've usually already seen them in said underwear. :)

V - Vegetable you dislike: Onions. Except Sonic onion rings.

W - Ways/Reasons you run late: Always oversleeping! Or thinking I have time for just... one... more... turn...

X - X-rays you've had: Head, teeth, and prolly others that I don't recall.

Y - Yummy foods you make: five cheese chicken spaghetti. It's to die for. Someone once asked me to marry them after only one bit of my famous dish. I also make a to-die-for lemonade cake.

Z - Zoo favorite: Otters! (no jokes, I like real, actual Otters. They entertain me for hours)

Blogging From Work

2009-04-26T16:16:00.002-05:00

Should anyone wonder, I assure you that this message was NOT sent from work, using a company computer, to test to see how well both Mail2Blogger and twitterfeed.com are working. No, I'm not bored out of my mind at work or anything of the sort. I am anxiously awaiting the results of both my little test, however. Sorry to bother you all with such a pointless blog entry and tweet (if it all works, that is). I'm now going to hit SEND, but not while at work, and certainly not using a company computer.

Devastated

2009-04-24T20:21:00.004-05:00

This is so embarrassing to write. But if I don't get it out in the open, the stress of dealing with it feels like it could crush me.

I went to a very expensive college and have a very useless degree. I also have outrageous amounts I owe in student loans. I've made every effort to keep current, despite the fact that they continually raise my monthly payments.

Late last year, I received a phone call informing me of soon-to-arrive letter that indicated yet another increase in payments. When the woman on the phone told me what it was going up to, I nearly choked. I grabbed my calculator and realized the payments would equal, on average, 72% of my income. I don't know anyone who can survive with a payment like that. I informed her that was simply impossible and I'd like to work out an alternate payment plan. I reminded her that I brought the account back from the brink of defaulted status, and was now current and making payments each month. She said since I graduated so long ago, and had applied for a forbearance more than once, no other options were available to me. And she added that if I didn't pay, they'd garnish my wages.

I know the law only allows 25% of your wages to be garnished (worked in payroll a while), and 25% is better than 72% (and was a little more than what I had been paying already), so I told her, "Fine, garnish my wages. But I can't afford what you're asking." And that was that. They've been garnishing my wages, and I stopped sending them a check each month. In the end, it's all worked out about the same.

Until today.

Today, my checking and savings were wiped out to ZERO. Another garnishment from the same company. When I spoke to my bank, they stated their hands are tied (worked for a bank before, as well, so that's most likely true) and that there was no end date for the garnishment listed. She said it was listed as a "100% Deposit Garnishment" meaning any money put into either of my accounts would instantly be removed and transferred to the student loan lender.

So some legal loophole has allowed them to go from 25% to 100% of my income. My company requires direct deposit for payroll, so I feel kind of fucked here. What do I do? Go to work 60 hours each week and still wind up homeless and hungry? Do I quit my job and go into some cash-only business (not many of those left; I guess I could sell drugs). I don't know. Right now, I have nothing but questions. Obviously I'll need an attorney. I'm not even sure how that will work seeing how attorneys want a retainer upfront before doing ANYTHING (already checked local legal assistance networks: they don't get involved in financial matters; only criminal defense and custody issues). How am I supposed to pay a retainer if I have no access to my income?

I wish I had made better decisions. Sadly, this whole thing could have been avoided. If I had lived in an environment that allowed me to come out of the closet at a younger age, or if I would have just had the balls to do it, I wouldn't have sunk so deep into denial about my sexuality and I would have avoided Bible college. A degree from an Assemblies of God Bible college is USELESS to an openly gay man. I would have, instead, taken one of the many full-ride scholarships offered to me and gone on to become an engineer (I loved all things math in high school). I'd be in such a different place today.

I feel better getting this off my chest and out in the open, though quite embarrassed to admit to such financial calamity. I know I'm in this spot due to my own mistakes and bad decisions. I do, however, need the support of my friends and family right now (and many thanks to everyone who has already offered words of support after a mere Tweet/FB status of "Devastated"). And, on Monday, I'll try to find an attorney who can help me.

It's Complicated

2009-04-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

Something in the way [h]e moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way [h]e woos me
I don't want to leave [him] now

-- from "Something" The Beatles

I can't tell you everything we talked about the first time we chatted. I don't remember how long our conversation went on (though I'm sure it was late into the night). I do know I had a pretty bad first impression of him (which was my fault, not his). In fact, I almost didn't didn't respond to his IM in the chat room. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake! It didn't take long to realize this wasn't the typical IM from chat; there was something more to this guy.

Obviously he was able to overcome the negative first impression. That first conversation turned into another, and another and from there to text messages and phone calls. Oh man, those phone calls! We'd talk for hours. In fact, our first phone conversation was two months and a day after we first talked online, and lasted for over two hours. That began weeks of such calls, until he discovered we were repeatedly pushing the number of minutes he has in his cell phone plan. Our schedules haven't lined up very well lately, and I'm really jonesin' to hear his voice.

As he overcame that bad first impression (I won't go into specifics on what it was; but it was my own rush to judgment that created the bad impression), there was this sense of connection. It was different than what I had experienced before. With other guys in the past, it was a crush or "twitterpation" (see the movie Bambi for the definition of "twitterpated." It has nothing to do with Twitter.) With Christopher, this was a deep connection, a spiritual connection; one we both felt. It was as though a beam of light was shining from him to me and back again.

As I began to make public references to him, people began to suspect I was dating someone. But it wasn't that simple. Yeah, there was certainly the desire to ask him out, and there was certainly a mutual attraction on several levels. Conversation flowed freely and often, and even when we see things differently, it's not a disagreement. I was drawn to him, I wanted to spend time with him. Yet he was in Maine, and I'm in Missouri, so "dating" isn't really an easy thing to do. That's how I wound up defaulting to the Facebook relationship status of "It's Complicated."

The distance, grrrr, the distance. Distance is only an obstacle in the end, however. No matter who you're interested in, no matter who you love, there will always be obstacles to overcome. I've dated enough, and talked to enough people in lifelong relationships, to know that there are always obstacles. Obstacles in the beginning, obstacles as it grows, and obstacles all throughout. Don't think for one moment that distance is the worst obstacle, or even in the top 100 most difficult. Distance can easily be spanned. Distance does make things go slower, though, at least for people with budgets like mine. I can't really afford to go see him very often. In the roughly seven months since we "met" in chat, I've spent 11 days with him. If I made a lot of money, I'd hop on a plane and go see him two or three times a month (anyone wanna give up their frequent flier miles to make that a reality?). But it's still only distance, and at least we're on the same continent. It's a small obstacle to overcome, and other people have had to overcome much greater obstacles for a relationship to grow. I don't believe love is limited by distance.

Wait. What? The "L" word? Yup, I said it. I love Christopher. How do I know? Well, Robert Heinlein wrote, "Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I think that's the best way to put it. Now am I in love with Christopher? No, not yet anyway. I'd even dare to say I'm beginning to fall in love with him. I tell you, there's something in the way he moves, in the way he speaks, in the way he looks at me, that makes me fall for him more each time we talk. It makes me think of another song by The Beatles, "Got to Get You Into My Life." Sure, I day-dream and think "what if?" but my feet are firmly planted on the ground. We're still getting to know one another, so I'm not making any "forever" plans.

I've been in love before. Once. I thought I had been in love before that, but I was wrong and realized that when I did finally TRULY fall in love. But I didn't share a spiritual bond with that guy. With Christopher, it's the first time I've really understood the term "soul mates." His vibe, the energy he puts off, his spirituality, it all draws me to him. What I find fascinating is how we say very different things but are often saying the exact same thing. If I do wind up falling in love with Christopher, I could see it being something new I've not experienced before.

I'm fine with this going slow. I don't know where it will go, in fact. Right now, as everyone seeks out some label to attach to us, I'm fine with it just being what it will be. To paraphrase my friend Catie B, Christopher and I are more than friends but not yet to the "boyfriends" stage. It's definitely NOT just a hook-up or a fling. There's something pretty deep there. I just don't yet know what it will become. And that's O.K. But that's why I say "it's complicated." There's the distance that limits the time we can spend together in person (and how I treasure the time we DO get to spend together), and it's not easy to find a label to describe what we have. It's complicated.

So I know there's this guy that I really dig. I know there's this guy I want to keep getting to know. I know there's this guy that I can see being a natural fit in my life (where ever life may take me). I know that when I get to the airport to go see him, I'm like a little kid the night before Christmas and when I get to the airport to leave, it takes a lot to keep from crying. I think about him all the time (there IS that very real connection, and I can "feel" him throughout the day), I dream of him and I want him to be happy.

We had a good talk when I visited him last month. A talk about us, how he feels, how I feel, a good talk. It was a private conversation, and he's a fairly private person, and so the details won't be posted here. It was a conversation that helped me see our relationship (don't put too much emphasis on that "r" word) in a new light, let me know what he's thinking and also showed me that if it grows into anything more than an affectionate friendship, it'll take time. It's time I'm willing to put in, because he's worth the investment. He's worth taking a chance on.

I know my friends and family are worried I'm setting myself up for another heartbreak. I know some people are worried I'm jumping to conclusions or rushing into something serious with someone I barely know. Some are worried I'm about to up and move across the country or make life changing decisions. Let me assure you that there's nothing to worry about. Yeah, I do day-dream about the future, and those romantic "what if's" but I'm not delusional that these day dreams are anywhere close to reality. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Only time will tell.

So I'm left with the face that our paths have crossed. We have a deep, dare I say spiritual connection. Oh, and yeah, he's sexy as hell. His worldview, his spirituality, his creativity and his interests, his looks, his body and his personality... everything about him draws me in, makes me wanna know him more and makes me miss him when we're apart. And yet, it's complicated. But it's O.K. The complications are cast in a beautiful light, and can be resolved. And until then, I'm not gonna worry too much about the destination and simply enjoy the journey.

And, once again, Alanis has the perfect song. Here's "In Praise of the Vulnerable Man" from the album Flavors of Entanglement. I think of Christopher every time I hear this song, and I smile.

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with
Oh you, never hotter than with armor spent

When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism

And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents

And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

(apologies to The Beatles for changing up their lyrics at the opening of this post)

More Tweet Cloud

2009-04-12T03:02:00.002-05:00

I don't know why these fascinate me so much, but here's my latest Tweet Cloud.

my over week hours now i'm can't make after looking forward next #sgf work day @christopherknox done april someone schedule :) pm @waynestanford need wish something

If you're on Twitter, follow me (brandon72mo)! And why not check out previous Tweet clouds of mine here, here and here)? All of this is made possible by Twitter Grader.

Again With The Phoenix Affirmations

2009-04-12T02:40:00.002-05:00

Nearly three years ago now, I made mention of The Phoenix Affirmations in my blog. Four months later, I mentioned it again, writing that I would soon begin diving into each point with my own thoughts and commentary.

Well, here we are in April of 2009, and that's all I have to show for it. Well, in my blog anyway. I've been working through a lot of it in my head and on paper, but never really getting enough together to put it something meaningful. I'm almost there.

So, hopefully, sometime this month (and maybe even this week, depending on how the week goes), I plan to begin my own affirmation by affirmation response to The Phoenix Affirmations. Why am I posting this now? Well, because this gives me motivation to keep at it. Plus it allows me to point you to the link in the sidebar of my blog (or right here, since many of you read via feed) to The Phoenix Affirmations so you can read through them if you're so inclined. I'd encourage you to read through the long version. Or better yet, read the book by Eric Elnes.

Here's looking forward to Affirmation 1 and all the controversy is may stir!

Tapes

2009-04-06T01:22:00.003-05:00

I'll be the first to admit, my tweets are often vague and, many times, not really understood by anyone but me (though easily understood by those paying attention in my life). I'm not trying to be enigmatic or such, I just often don't have any way to express what's really on my mind. Lately, most of it's been connected.

This is all difficult to write.

Difficult to put into words. Difficult to let someone read. Difficult.

I'm a pretty together guy, and not much really ruffles my feathers. A guy at work even asked me recently, "How is it you're so calm about EVERYTHING?" And it's true. Usually. I'm laid back, easy going, "Come what may" through most of my days. Even big things typically don't knock me off track.

Yet there's the ever present swirling of self-defeating thoughts in my mind. "You're always going to be second-best." "They'd be happier if they had a straight son." "He's not really into you." "You're going to die alone." "Your friends only come around when they need something." "You don't really contribute to the world." "Everyone abandons you."

I don't know where all these thoughts come from. I'm not as insecure as this post may make it sound. Yet, let the smallest rejection, the almost imperceptible slight come my way and I'm done. Cue the tapes, let them play their anthems of "Not worthy!"

The weird thing about all of this is that I know, deep down, I'm a good person. I'm a good son who not only loves and adores his parents, but also strives to make them proud and hopes that, in their golden years, I am able to repay the lifetime of generosity they've shown me. I'm a good friend, always ready to drop what I'm doing to lend an ear, offer a ride or simply help, never expecting, or requesting, anything in return. I'm a good boyfriend (though currently, essentially, single; it's complicated), offering my love unconditionally, seeking compromise and growth and communication. And despite being overweight (there's my biggest insecurity), I'm a fairly good looking guy; my looks not indicating that I'm approaching 40 years old (still almost 11 months away).

So where does all this come from? Why do I often feel as though I've disappointed my family? I often think they'd be happier if I weren't gay (which would be their problem, not mine, but I still feel like I've disappointed them). Or more proud if I made more money or owned my own home or could afford a new car. Or maybe they'd visit me more if I did something different, cleaned my house more often or didn't have all these pets.

I've been flat out rejected and abandoned by friends in my life. My best friend ever, the man I can honestly say has been closer to me than any other person alive, just one day walked away. I came out, his wife couldn't deal with that and so I was dropped. Over a decade of friendship -- deep, meaningful, open up your soul and hide nothing -- was just tossed aside. I never got an explanation. I was simply told not to try analyze it. I felt so disposable. So easy to walk away from. I still haven't gotten over that. I've forgiven him and I'm no longer angry at his wife, but it still stings. And he's not the only one. I've had friends who declared their undying friendship and love to me bolt the first time I did anything that rocked the boat. I know I give my best to people, and it's up to them to choose whether to stick around. I know I'm a good friend.

And the men. Oh man, the men, my past boyfriends. This is where the tapes play most often, play the loudest, play the most rotten tunes. With one exception, all of my boyfriends have cheated on me. Two of them cheated more than once. One continued doing so even after I told him I knew. And when things came to an end (cheating is not a deal breaker to me but it does destroy trust and requires a rebuild that will take quite some time), it seemed like they moved on so easily. Like the time we shared was meaningless. Again, like I was disposable. In relationships, I've always felt like I had to be the one to offer compromise, I had to be the one willing to back down, I had to be the one willing to give up something. If I wasn't, it seemed like a general, "Well, fuck you" attitude coming from the other end. I know it wasn't me that caused them to cheat; that it was their own issues that took them there. And I know I am better off without them all (though that one I was in love with, man, he'll always have a piece of my heart; more about him in a second).

And then there's the ones who I was starting to get to know, who seemed to hold promise, who just sort of disappeared one day. Guys who seemed interested, we'd hang out once or twice and... they vanish. Things seemed to be going well, we seemed to hit it off, then... nothing. Just gone. "What did you do wrong this time?" But I didn't. I was me, a likable guy.

And this all plays in my head. All of it. Being single through the holidays (again!) didn't help matters. And that there's one, from five years ago, that I still love and miss more than I can really find words to say, who has been in my dreams almost every night for the past two weeks, who I realize I could have had something great with if I had just been able to keep my shit together and will most likely never have another chance with because I couldn't.

And yet the tapes. The voices. The insecurity. Where the fuck does it come from? How can I truly be such a together person, how is it I have such inner peace and calm and yet all this bullshit is going on in the back of my mind? I wish I could explain it.

I recently watched (for the 3rd time through the series) an episode of 30 Rock via Netflix's Watch Instantly. In it, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), reveals her fear of choking to death, alone in her apartment, or slipping when getting into the tub. It was a funny scene, but I could also totally relate. I fear dying alone, no one missing me, no one even noticing, no one to mourn, no one to have said I spent 30 or 40 years in love with.

Why does it seem like I'm so easy to leave? How can I be such a good guy and yet be so unwanted? Why am I so calm, cool and collected and yet plagued by these insecurities? How can I know all this and yet be torn apart by the smallest rejections? Why do these insecurities echo so loudly that I often can't shut them off or, worse, start believing them? I want to make sense of it all.

Until then, I've found a way to turn them off, at least for an hour or two, but even that creates a financial burden that is not sustainable. But I'd much rather find the source. Then I could rip it out and turn it all off for good.

As usual, there's a couple of songs about this whole thing that are very near to my heart. And, as usual, these lyrics come courtesy of Alanis. Buy a copy of these from Google Music.

"Tapes" by Alanis Morissette. From the album Flavors of Entanglement

I am someone easy to leave
Even easier to forget
A voice, if inaccurate
Again, I'm the one they all run from
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

I'm too exhausting to be loved
A volatile chemical
Best to quarantine and cut off

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

I'm but thorn in your sweet side
You'd be better off without me
It'd be best to leave at once

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc

And from Under Rug Swept, "So Unsexy"

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m 13 again, am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

(edited 01/03/12 because, well, the tapes won't stop playing again)

Song Title Description

2009-04-04T04:23:00.005-05:00

I've seen this one floating around for a while now, figured I'd finally give it a shot.

Describe yourself using song titles from only ONE ARTIST (I may cheat and use multiples for some answers).

My artist is, naturally, Alanis Morissette.

1. Are you male or female? A Man

2. Describe yourself: Sympathetic Character

3. How do you feel about yourself? Sorry To Myself; Forgiven; In Praise of the Vulnerable Man

4. Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend: Straitjacket; The Guy Who Leaves; Spineless

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: All I Really Want; 21 Things I Want In a Lover; Knees of my Bees; Princes Familiar

6. Describe your current location: Incomplete

7. Describe where you want to be: Citizen of the Planet

8. Your best friend is: On The Tequila; Unprodigal Daughter; Sister Blister

9. Your favorite color is: You Oughta Know

10. You know that: You Learn

11. What’s the weather like: Uninvited

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Ironic

13. What is life to you? Perfect; Mercy

14. What is the best advice you have to give? Giggle Again for No Reason

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to? Everything

White Trash

2009-03-25T21:03:00.004-05:00

See that little S-10 pickup full of garbage in the photo above? Of course you do (unless you're reading this in syndication, and then it might not appear). That's parked in the alley only two doors to the West of my home. The trash truck (it's a truck, it's full of trash) started with just an old shelving unit, but each week it has more and more garbage thrown in the back.

I'm really hoping that Gillenwaters, the rental company who owns that house, does something about it really soon. I don't really enjoy looking at a truck full of garbage every time I come home.

Gaming Withdrawal

2009-03-19T15:31:00.003-05:00

I miss my XBOX 360. The optical drive stopped reading discs, so it's now useless, except for the few games I've downloaded to it (which I never really play much anymore). The most tragic part of this whole thing is that it stopped working just days before a couple of my favorite games released some GREAT download content (which, of course, requires the game disc to be in the console to work). Grand Theft Auto IV and Burnout Paradise have added some excellent new content. Alas, I can only dream of how much fun they might be.

My desktop is still on the fritz since I haven't had time to sit down and figure out what's wrong with it this time (it was a RAM problem, which was resolved, but now there's a mysterious sudden shutdown problem that either a bad PSU or MoBo). Thankfully my new, replacement laptop is powerful enough to play many of my PC games. Though gaming on a 16" screen with laptop speakers just isn't the same as gaming in 30" 1080p resolution with 550 watts in 5.1 THX surround (kinda sad that my pc gaming setup is better than my home theater setup upstairs).

There is a new Grand Theft Auto game out for the Nintendo DS, and I plan on picking it up soon. But $35 for a hand held title feels a little steep to me. Then again, we are talking a GTA title. Rockstar knows how to make some great games!

I've been told that my optical drive problem is a precursor to the red ring of death on a 360, so I've been turning it on and leaving it on a lot hoping it'll red ring. If it does I get a free repair since red ring of death problems carry a 3 year warranty. If not, I'm stuck paying $99 for a repair. And while that's not a bank breaker, there's other goals I have for my money right now (more trips to see family and Christopher, saving for a car down payment). Maybe I should just bite the bullet and pay the $99. I dunno; it sucks being cheap.

Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-03-03T23:29:00.005-06:00

Things are changing at work. Well, most likely so.

I officially found out that I made it through both rounds of interviews and was being put into the "pool." It's an odd system of promotion, and not even really an immediate promotion. It's the ASG (Agent Support Group) Pool, consisting of eight people. It was down to three, but it's back up to eight as of this week. We're there to cover existing ASG's breaks, vacations, etc. We're also the pool of people from which new ASG's are selected as needs arise (ASG's going on to different jobs, new teams forming, etc). And, apparently, we're going to be performing some additional roles, though I'm not really clear on what.

I actually found on Sunday. Due to some things that happened, I was fairly certain that I had not actually made a good enough impression in round two of interviews. I was already coaching myself on different strategies. I typically interview very well (a natural gift) but couldn't quite read one of the people conducting the interview. When a list came out for scheduled interviews for a different job at the office, and my name appeared on the list, I assumed I hadn't made the cut and was now being released to interview for the other job.

Our night manager, and my former supervisor (before he was promoted to manager), Jeff, came by my desk on Sunday, shaking his head, looking all doom and gloom. I knew immediately it was all good news because he LOVES to give people a hard time (in what I think is pretty obvious that it's just teasing, though some people misread him). He was shaking his head, saying something about being sorry about the outcome that I couldn't quite hear because I was on a call. Then he gestured for a pen. I handed it to him and he wrote "YOUR IN" on the back of a card. I really wanted to cross out "YOUR" and write "you're" but, instead, I just said "Thanks!" After that, he whispered, "Don't tell ANYONE."

His "anyone" was a bit too loud, and someone heard. That someone had been asking me for days if I have heard anything. So when I walked by later, I knew I was going to be asked, because I knew this someone had heard the "ANYONE." So I simply leaned over and said, "I don't know anything. Officially." He got the point. And then blabbed to Jeff. Jeff found me later and gave me a good routine of him pretending to be furious with me. I knew he was somewhat miffed, though not nearly as much as his demeanor indicated. He does, after all, think I'm cool. And he thinks I'm funny. Anyway. I apologized, he declared his forgiveness (which he later retracted when he realized he could milk the "I'm mad at you" thing for a few more days) and all was well.

I learned that I can't tell someone secrets. :)

Anyway, it was officially announced on Monday and I could stop pretending I didn't know anything and start finally accepting all the congratulations that were coming my way. It was later Monday that I found out I'd be moved from my current team, and my current shift (I ***LOVE*** the shift I currently have) starting next week. My new team is a NEW team (the supervisor was just promoted in December, and a fair portion of his team are new agents), with a closing shift (4:15 PM to 1 AM) with lousy days off (Wednesday and Thursday). Goodbye, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday off. Goodbye 12:45 to 11:30. Goodbye THREE days to work overtime.

With the shift change coming, there's also a site-wide shift bid so management can better match staffing to call volume. Like everyone else, I am required to rank the 14 shifts offered in order of my preference (and have already done so), submit my bid and await my new shift assignment. It may be entirely irrelevant, however. If my shift bid doesn't put me somewhere I'm most needed, I'll just be moved. So I'm going to start a new shift on Monday, another new shift in roughly a month, and possibly ANOTHER new shift somewhere down the road. That's all OK though. I don't really have many obligations that make any certain shift mandatory for me.

I enjoy the four, ten hour day shift I currently have (and those that will be offered in the shift bid) because they allow me to use one day of paid time off and get a four day mini-vacation (thanks to the way the days off fall). But the chances of me getting one of those when I actually promoted to full-fledged ASG are fairly slim given that I'd be the newbie and therefore have NO seniority. I do want to keep the Pamelabrandon Day tradition going, though we're gonna have to move it to a different day (something Pamelab herself already suggested).

I will be working physically nearer the guy I consider my mentor, Herb. I've learned quite a bit about him. Before he was promoted, Herb was my ASG. He taught me a TON, and he was the one who encouraged me the most as I considered applying. There were several other ASG's and supervisors, as well as fellow agents and our manager encouraging me as well, but Herb's support seemed to ring out above all of that. In many ways, Herb is like a father to me. Now, I only have one father, and no one can ever take his place. But there's a cool bond I have with the old goat hisself (his title for himself), and I truly do consider him a mentor, and not just with work related stuff. He's on the same shift as I'll be on starting next week, with different days off. My new team is literally across the aisle from his. No more walks across the building to say "Hey" to Herb. He'll be right across the aisle.

I'll really miss my current team, as well. Well, some of them anyway. My supervisor is absolutely golden. To paraphrase my own mentor, my current supervisor is a man who sees the worth in everyone. He'll go over and beyond for anyone, and he'll fight for anyone on his team. Like I said, he's absolutely golden. I'll miss working with him each day and learning more about what it takes to be a fair supervisor where we work. I'll also miss some of the agents on my team, especially the guys in my bay. Though I will be glad to put some distance between myself and some of the others on the team. I'll only be in the building two days a week (much different days off) that they're also there.

The biggest downside is I won't get to talk with Christopher as much. That has me seriously bummed. He's an hour ahead of me, and working until 11:30 each night already presents a problem often enough since he has things to do each morning and needs to get to bed at a decent time each night. Now I won't be home until 2:00 AM his time, and often MUCH later since I'm sure they'll find ways to pass closing ASG duties off to me (essentially staying until the last agent is off a call). That whole thought of not being able to talk to him as much makes my heart sink every time I think about it. We'll find some way to adjust, I suppose.

But overall, it's bringing changes my way. Changes in sleep patterns. Changes in duties at work. Changes in what the future holds for me there. But I tend to dig change, lately, so this is all mostly good. And it's a good stepping stone to get me where I want to go within this company.

Netflix

2009-02-16T03:26:00.002-06:00

So, as I draw closer to the date I cancel cable, I've rejoined Netflix. It's only nine bucks a month, and I can watch a lot of the stuff instantly online (my main goal, actually). I can hook up the laptop to my tv and home theater upstairs, or my huge display and computer sound system downstairs. Pretty handy.

If you're on Netflix, why not add me as your friend?

The Next Time

2009-02-10T03:50:00.000-06:00

Moments Until Next I See Him...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

2009-01-31T03:09:00.003-06:00

It's difficult to find good comedy on television these days. Christopher found one for me though. I had heard of it, but never watched. Head over to FX.com and watch some episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (TV shows are italicized, right?).

Here's a little snippet that, the first time I saw it, made me cry I laughed so hard. It's much funnier when seeing and hearing it, but the script is pretty great on it's own.

Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis: Nah, that's because he's a bear.
Mac: Huh?
Dennis: He's a bear, you see some gay guys are twinks and other are bears, this gay guy is a bear, by the way we are totally cool with that, to each his own
Frank: Wait i'm a little confused here, what's a twink?
Dennis: Twink is small and slender, like mac.
Mac: Whoa, no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Uhh, don't think so bro, not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth, now, i would be a bear.
Dennis: No, no, i see, i don't think you'd be a bear either, as a matter of fact I don't know what you'd be, you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power
Dennis: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards, you see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work
Frank: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, i heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it, you see the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply, speeds the name of the game, right buddy?

I'm Home?

2009-01-24T23:22:00.003-06:00

Well, kinda. I've just returned from a WONDERFUL wintry week in New England, most of it spent in Lewiston, Maine. I really love winter, so the snow was great. It snowed twice, once was several inches. Of course, there was already a great base of snow, so I was in a winter wonderland!

I got to spend some time in Boston, as well as Portland and Freeport, Maine. There was a lot of great food (including my new favorite Italian joint), a festive inauguration watch party, and I got to meet a lot of great people. Somehow, I even dropped weight! Must have been all the walking around.

The week was made wonderful by one person, though: Christopher. I know I normally talk, often ad nauseum, about the men in my life (not that there's been many). Not this time. Christopher is fairly private, and I respect that. Not only do I respect it, but I rather treasure it. It's actually given me a nice new perspective on dating and my own priorities as I'm getting to know someone.

It was a wonderful time, however. I owe it all to him. He worked so hard to make his place comfortable and welcoming. In fact, I felt at home the moment I walked in (it even smelled great!). The sense of home was so great, that walking into my own home tonight, one week later, doesn't quite feel like being home. I'm not sure if it's because he's not here, or if my place isn't as clean, orderly and charming as his, or some other stuff that's been going on in the back of my mind for a few months. But I'm just not feeling like I'm home. Oh, and I miss Christopher.

Great Shirts

2009-01-06T01:17:00.002-06:00

I don't know if you've seen this yet or not, but Glennz has what I consider some of the wittiest art t-shirts I've seen in a long time. You should check them out. My fave is the one entitled Experimental Music, and features this image:

I love the look of the art, so I snagged several of the images and used Picasa to mash 'em up into a collage that I now use as my laptop wallpaper. How do you like it?

I'd be happy to own nearly any of those shirts!

Overtime Payoff

2009-01-05T15:22:00.002-06:00

I've been working a lot of overtime the past several weeks. In fact, from Thanksgiving to the time I leave for my trip, I'll have put in nearly 100 hours (or more) of overtime. Not too shabby for an eight week period. That should put a good chunk of change in my pocket for my trip, though not quite enough to do all the things I had been planning (hey, I'm still accepting donations if anyone wants to chip in!).

But the extra cash isn't the only payoff from all the overtime. I've gained some recognition among management (a good thing, considering an upcoming application for a promotion) because our site has been getting hammered, and overtime was the only way to alleviate it. Unfortunately, not as many people responded as they hoped. In fact, I'm second in the total number of overtime hours put in. There's one woman there who works all day, everyday. I'm not sure I could do that. My house is enough of a mess as it is. Even less free time would put my life into shambles.

With the underwhelming response to overtime, management got creative and bought prizes to give away in a drawing. For every four hours of OT worked the last weekend, you got an entry. I wound up winning a brand new Nintendo DS Lite (which was PERFECT since I was worried about how I'd play the upcoming Grand Theft Auto game since it's releasing only on the DS), a 4GB Sony Walkman MP3 player (which I'm quite pleased with; nifty little MP3 player, also solves the need I have for an MP3 player when I ride the bike) and a $20 gift card to WalMart. Granted, I'll have to pay income taxes on the value of each of those, but that's OK.

So not only will all this OT help me have a better trip, but it's given me new toys to play with. Not a bad payoff.

Ready to be Limbo No More

2008-12-26T02:11:00.004-06:00

For some time now, a year or so, I've felt like I'm in limbo. Not stuck or trapped, or lost, or on the wrong path. I feel like I'm in the great in-between.

Where Springfield was one the only city that felt like my hometown, I now feel like a visitor. My house, where I've lived for years and have created so many memories, doesn't feel like a home anymore. My job, my hobbies, all of it, feels like I'm only passing through, just passing time before ...

And there's the problem. I don't know what's coming after the ellipsis. All I know is that there's something more, something else.

Is this a mid-life crisis? Have my constant questions and healthy skepticism, which usually fosters growth, rattled my faith? Or, on the flip side, is this simply the emotional expression of a spiritual longing for eternity? Or maybe it is something else. Something more to come.

Not improvement. Not discarding. Not running away. No, just ... different. Maybe this is what the butterfly feels like shortly before emerging from the cocoon.

I really miss having a large circle of friends that I could spend time with regularly. While my circle of friends has changed over the years, and is in fact larger, more and more of my friends live out of town or out of state. I don't hear from any of them nearly as often as I'd like.

Going almost hand in hand is my desire to return to being an active member of a spiritual community. Despite my last such experiences being in very unhealthy spiritual environments, I miss the fellowship, the camaraderie, the unspoken commonality that I had. While I do attend church regularly, my schedule makes it difficult to become actively involved within that community.

There's a lot that I miss. A lot that I long for. Such as my ability to see my family more. My current job is stingy with paid time off, and I don't really make enough money to take unpaid time. Nor can I really afford to travel much. My car is too old, it's replacement a year or more from being purchased, and airfare too expensive. There's also the matter of my four-footed family needing care. I can't expect my roommate to assume that burden every time I want to hit the road.

I also want to be able to see Christopher more often. I know I don't write much about him, not for public consumption at least, but I don't like the physical distance. It complicates so much. For reasons I won't go into, all good reasons I assure you, I'm not going to say much besides I have a constant longing to be near him.

But it's all more than these people that I miss. It's the ... something else. Something more. The ...

As much as I enjoy my job, I know there's more I'm meant to be doing. I'm supposed to make a difference. Sure, I make a lot of people happy by being supergeek who can fix their computer in one phone call, but there's more. I don't know if it's a return to ministry, a change in jobs (I'd really like to stay in something tech related), or just working out my schedule to be able to volunteer more often.

I also want to return to working with people who feel rejected or alienated from the church, with an emphasis on those people within the gay community. Many people carry around a great deal of animosity toward the church and, by extension, God. Years of spiritual abuse -- rejection, being told they didn't measure, being labeled sinful, told they're condemned to hell -- leaves wounds deep within a person's soul. I want to help people find healing for those wounds. I want to continue helping people reconnect with their spiritual roots, rediscovering friendship with God. I'm not really interested in the particular expression of their faith so much as their rediscovery of it. We are spiritual beings and if we neglect that, we're not taking care of our whole selves.

I just don't know what the damn ... is. It leave me without a sense of purpose, without feeling like I'm home, without a sense of self. I am ready to be limbo no more.

Limbo No More
by Alanis Morissette

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And i've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last i can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more

I'm not sure how, but Alanis often sets my own heart and soul to music. I listen to this song a lot; if you haven't heard it, find it and listen. The music makes the lyrics even more moving.

I've not yet found the clarity, the sense of self, or figured out what the ... is. But this song keeps me going. I know I'm not the only one to go through this, and I know others have worked it out. I'll get to the part of the song where I, too, can sit with filled frames...

I will get through this, hopefully within 2009, because I am ready to be limbo no more.

Hurt: How To Let It Out?

2008-12-24T01:22:00.002-06:00

When someone you love inflicts a deep wound, and you're fairly certain they don't even realize it, what do you do? Do you tell them about it? Do you just let it go? If you do tell them, what's the best way? How do you let them know you're hurt, but not angry?

I'm really torn about all of this. I want to say something, but I don't really know how, or if I even should. I don't want that person to feel bad, but I also want them to understand WHY it hurt, and why they should be more understanding.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated right now.

Why I Left

2008-12-14T07:30:00.004-06:00

Let me begin by saying two things.

First, this entire post is based on my own feelings and perceptions. I'll stress this point again at the close. I am not trying to convince anyone to leave GCN (if you don't know what GCN is, then nothing in this post will interest you, I'm afraid) nor am I attempting to tarnish the organization. I respect the work they are doing and the difference they are making in the lives of tens of thousands of people. I am not out to settle a score, seeking retribution or tearing anyone, or anything, apart. I just want to share my experience, my feelings, and my reasons. This is not an attack on anyone or anything, so get that word out of your head right now.

Secondly, this post is not about the ministry I'm a part of, GCO (Gay Christian Outreach) or why it's currently offline and has not yet come back (though I do discuss that briefly, toward the end), the time line to bring it back or why it won't be anything like what was previously known as Gay Christian Outreach.

No, this post comes from my own frustration with people who continue to poke around, looking for gossip or who mean well but don't understand my reasons for leaving GCN and not really wanting to hear about it or talk about it. I'd like an opportunity to clear that up.

But first, I want to say that I am thankful for the wonderful friends I met at GCN. From friendly acquaintances to a roommate (who is also falls into the next category) to very dear friends that I know will be with my throughout life, I've met a lot of great people. I cannot repay the love and support these people have given me, and though I probably would have managed to meet many of them at some point anyway, I don't know that it would have been the same or as early if it had not been for interactions that began in various forum messages. Also, I did enjoy much of the time, no matter how much of a time-suck it could become, interacting in chat and on the forums. While there was a great deal of frustration, there were also good times. I'm thankful that it's been possible to make connections with the larger gay Christian community through Facebook and other social networking sites, because I've missed having that circle constantly expanding in my life (though GCN certainly was NOT the only source for that).

I've been part of a few "mega-churches" in my time. Now, I'm part of a much smaller church, and for good reason. While those large churches had a lot of great programs and amazing resources and tons of people to make connections with, I often felt lost in the crowd, like the church had grown so large that it was now impersonal, and, as a volunteer at one of them, felt that dissent, constructive discussion of differing viewpoints and personal growth as opposed to just corporate growth were all stifled. I've often felt the same way at GCN. It was just too big. The size wasn't overwhelming, but it did feel stifling. I love getting to know new people, but it became impossible for me. More over, as an active member, I was always shocked whenever other long time active members would greet me as though I were new to the site. To me, GCN began feeling like less of a community and more like a corporation. Where I once found a place of refreshing, I was finding burden instead. Where the leadership once seemed at least somewhat open to new ideas, all of the decisions felt so far removed from the general membership, completely lacking in anything even close to the transparency that I personally believe spiritually strong leadership should have, and closed off from seeking input from the general membership, that it seemed almost secretive. I was asked to financially support that site (and never did, for the reasons I just cited), but I wasn't asked for input. Sorry, the two go hand in hand for me. You want my money? Then you better also want my input, including constructive criticism.

There was often little room for spirited discussion among people of differing points of view. Granted, such discussions can get really heated, and some people can step out of line. But instead of privately encouraging the few out of line to be more constructive, entire threads were locked or hidden from view completely. As someone who's been a channel operator, forum moderator (including a short time on GCN itself) and director of several sites (not to mention my professional roles in management in the secular world and in churches), I found such a response from the powers that be completely unacceptable. Each time it happened, it left an even greater bad taste.

In what always felt like an effort to present GCN as a place where everyone is welcome and everyone loves everybody and there's all this super-dee-duper unity, disagreements were squashed. How can you build a bridge, how can you gain understanding, if you can't openly share a disagreement you have with someone? Answer: You can't. It was another way I felt my own personal growth was being surrendered in an attempt to forward the organization, not the community, of GCN. There needed to be more balance between letting people be heard, in disagreements between each other and with the organization, and keeping order. I'm active on scores of forums where people have very passionate disagreements, and moderators there do a great job of keeping order without being overly restrictive. It's a skill that, sadly, I felt was never trained. Some moderators knew how to do it, others didn't.

I frequently felt more like I was being parented than respected as an adult belonging to a spiritual community. A perfect example is how personal contact information became more and more restricted over time. I don't remember the exact order of things, so this isn't intended to be an accurate time line, but first you couldn't mention your e-mail or IM addresses on a message board. Then you couldn't post links to your personal website, blog or, as they caught on, social community profiles. Then you couldn't even include that information in your own profile on the site.

Personally, I never believed those policies were in place to protect the membership from spammers, attackers or whatever. It always felt, to me, like it was all just an attempt to control the members and force them to interact only within the site itself. To a degree, I completely endorse encouraging people to come to the site. But that's what you make solid content for. That's why you add new, useful features. That's why you offer something unique from everywhere else on the web. You don't use that as a means to babysit your members. I'm a responsible adult and netizen, fully aware of the risks that come with sharing my personal contact information online. If I do so, it's my choice, not yours, to make. If someone shares their personal contact information online and it has negative results, that person only has themselves to blame; not the website they shared it on. If protecting members was truly at the heart of these policies, it should have been an optional thing full of bright red disclaimers about online safety. That whole policy always felt very suspect to me and was just another nail in the coffin of my activity there. And it was just one of many examples in the way I felt there was an attempt to control and remove personal responsibility from adults.

As much as I tried to like the guy, the executive director always rubbed me the wrong way. He often put on such a humble, righteous face in public, but in private conversations in IM and on the phone, many of his jokes and references seemed rather inappropriate, or, coming from an odd place (I remember a telephone conversation where numerous dick size jokes kept coming from his end. One or two might be funny now and then, but I was 12 the last time I could appreciate an entire conversation peppered by them). He also seemed a little too self-involved and haughty. Sure, we had something of a friendship, but still, he overstepped good taste and respect a few too many times, especially given the "official" capacity that some of our conversations took on as we began looking for ways for our two organizations to work together. Beyond that, in having acted as a mediator for some folks, as well as with my own concerns, I often felt that he used his own background/education against people (instead of for them), often seeking to manipulate people instead of truly bringing about resolution. [Side note: I know the word manipulate carries a lot of baggage with it, but my limited vocabulary doesn't really contain anything else to sum up what I felt was being done] I never really felt heard when talking to him. I always felt like it was more important to him that I hear him and, when we disagreed, he always tried to use my words against me or try to come up with clever ways of reframing the argument to make me think we agreed (I always saw through it; he didn't give me enough credit). I felt as though it was also important that he could come away from a discussion feeling as though he had gotten to the exact conclusion he desired and had planned from the outset, not any sort of compromise or meeting of the minds or any respect, ever, from him to me. It was very difficult for me to respect the man as a leader because, in my estimation of him (and having talked to him online for over a decade, beginning before I moved back to Springfield in 1997 and before GCN or GCO were even faint glimmers) he lacked qualities I find necessary in a leader. I was actually shocked when, after a period where our paths simply did not cross very often, I discovered he was in the position of leadership he held.

I grew weary of the year-around conference promotion as well. In the months leading up to it, it seemed such a dominant thing. In the months after, I felt like an outsider because I never went. I'm not much of a traveler; I'm too cheap/poor to really spend money to go out of town for a weekend, pay for a hotel, register for a conference, buy food, etc etc. I also have responsibilities as a pet owner that I won't frequently ask someone else to assume (it's a big, big job) and I cannot afford to place them in a kennel (nor would I; they're my children). Also, when I worked retail, getting that weekend off was simply impossible, something that was dismissed as preposterous by the executive director as he referenced others in retail management, including the guy who was the conference's main coordinator, who could get the weekend off. Good for them, but it didn't work like that with my store. Post-holiday store reset fell those weeks and they would have laughed at me had I asked for the time off. Plus, I just don't like conferences; I never have. I attended church conventions in high school because 1) what teenager doesn't want a weekend away from home, no matter how cool his parents are, with a bunch of other teenagers, 2) the ride up there with two vans full of friends was AWESOME and 3) I quickly learned how to sneak out of the services and hang out with friends, so the entire weekend was a way for me to hang out with people. I'm a social butterfly and if I'm in a room with hundreds of people I don't know, I don't want to listen to someone talk. I want to mingle and make new friends. If the entire GCN Conference were a series of social events, maybe I would have considered going. But there's yet to be a speaker scheduled (in previous conferences, I don't know what happened this year or is coming up in 2009) that I was interested in hearing and, frankly, I found the musicians scheduled to be, well, not good (in my opinion).

I'll be the first to admit that I can get a little fanatical and myopic about things I really, really dig (I did turn into an Obamatron after all, and I have a blasted shrine to Corvettes mere inches from where I'm writing). So I couldn't really blame people for talking up the conferences. But more and more, I felt like an outsider because I didn't want to nor could afford to go. So many people worked it into conversation (and still do) and when they found out I wasn't going, and therefore they'd have slim chance of meeting me in person, it seemed as though I was tossed aside. Granted, this is not true for everyone, and I made some great friends on the site. But for the most part, it felt like that since people couldn't see my face in person once a year, I was a second-class member and people weren't as interested in getting to know me. With each passing conference I felt more alienated from the larger community and I felt more annoyed at the perpetual promotion.

There was also a stifling and overarching protection of minorities within minorities, especially from folks who tended to disagree with some pretty basic stuff. If you stand for something that offends me, especially something that would label me or my relationship sinful, or hold a world view that says I do not deserve equal rights, I should be able to, in a respectful manner, express my offense at that statement, boldly proclaim my own point of view and stand with those who agree with me in expressing our offense and rejection of your views. I should also be allowed to express that I find it difficult to fellowship with people who do such things. I can disagree with someone over a lot of things, but if you're saying I don't deserve rights or my relationship is lesser than, THAT sort of statement is very personal. However, because the minorities often felt outnumbered as it was, I felt that I was required to walk on eggshells around them so I didn't offend them by disagreeing. I wasn't really the one objecting to their lives or their relationships. Here's a hypothetical example of what I'm talking about.

While I've not visited the site in months (my last visit was an attempt to see if I could entirely delete my profile and registration; I could not. I do not recall if I removed information from my profile or not) and have not, as far as I can recall, actively participated in a year and a half, I wouldn't be surprised if this same coercion to put out fires instead of truly building bridges wouldn't have surfaced with the recent campaign season, especially regarding California's Proposition 8 that stripped gay and lesbian Californians of their right to marry. I can say with a certain level of confidence that GCN most likely has a small minority of people who supported Proposition 8, while the vast majority, including many Side B people, opposed it. When the expected hurt feelings and sense of outrage spilled over into GCN's forums, I honestly would not be surprised if one or more moderators or "officials" at GCN would have said something like, "While we understand your outrage, please be respectful of those who supported Proposition 8 and already feel like a minority on GCN." That sort of rhetoric was witnessed in other topics, and frankly, I do not feel it is appropriate.

Let's project this same mentality onto another equal rights era. Rather, let's pull the equal rights movement into today and imagine there's a thriving online community comprised of a large majority of African-Americans with a small minority of whites who feel equal marriage rights between the races should be granted and certainly no existing rights stripped way. Let's also imagine that same thriving online community also has members who feel, for whatever reason (but most likely because of their own interpretation of Scripture), that there should not be equal marriage rights. Would it be appropriate to tell those who just had no rights , "Let's be respectful of the people who support denying your rights? They already feel ostracized over this issue and we don't want to make it worse for them." No, it would not be appropriate. It would be absurd!

It would cause fully justified outrage and it would not accomplish any dialogue that can seek harmony and resolution. Instead, it would allow hurt feelings to continue to boil just under the surface for a while and eventually erupt. The emotional scaring, spiritual repression and fallout from that eruption will be far greater than if the dialogue would have continued. Sure, the dialogue of two opposing viewpoints, especially when everyone is quite personally involved, isn't always going to be pretty. Not everyone is eloquent, not every capable of leaving emotion at the door and appealing solely to reason. But that's OK. Life is messy. People are messy. We can't ignore this messiness or try to polish it. Any attempt to do so leaves people feeling undermined, muted or worse. It is not healthy.

And that's why I feel a lot of the policy decisions at GCN are inappropriate. Things aren't resolved, they're simply ended. Either forced closed or swept under the rug through clever distraction or manipulation. I think that's childish, not in keeping with Biblical guidelines, I think that does not foster personal growth or growth of a spiritual community and it's something I simply cannot be a part of. It's not a healthy environment for me. It's the same reason I left James River Assembly of God and other mega-churches.

Now, onto the final, and biggest, reasons I left GCN.

I have strong reason to believe that at least one fairly well known person on GCN (I will not identify if it is a member or staff), was engaged in trying to sabotage GCO. Once we moved from MSN to our own website, I began receiving reports from new members of private messages on GCO from existing, though inactive in chat and on the forums, members that were nothing short of a smear campaign or attempts to lure people to GCN (and often a combination of both. "Brandon was involved with [insert lie here] so you should come to GCN. Here's the link..."). Sadly, it often worked. I'd see people join GCO, post a few things, then suddenly appear over on GCN, never to return to GCO. Those same people often ignored me on GCN and many would not respond to my e-mails attempting to find out why they left GCO (we followed up with everyone who left GCO, in an ongoing effort to broaden our appeal). While I did not have the ability to read anyone's private messages on GCO (a setting I intentionally put into place), I could determine that they had received private messages and, if I dug into the database, from whom. Many of the people appearing on GCN and refusing contact with me had been contacted by one of seven different GCO members. Five of those "members" traced back to one IP address, two traced back to another. Both IP addresses were in the same town and, on an assumption, probably the same person from work and from home.

Everything in the smear campaign was false (the accusations against myself, GCO or any of our more active members were absolutely comical in their lies, though very shocking) and I didn't really understand the attempts to lure people away. I, myself, was an active member of GCN and had spoken several times of the vast need for both of our ministries. Though I didn't always see eye to eye with decisions on GCN, I still supported it and even encouraged people to check it out (something I still do). There was absolutely zero competition between the two (not in my mind at least) and many of our long term goals were quite different (GCO continues to have a long range goal of house-church planting, urban outreach and teen runaway shelters). I also have strong suspicions that the same person (or people) were behind several insertion attacks on GCO that ultimately took our site offline. The limited amount of information I was able to obtain from GCO's tracking utilities and our webhost indicated unusual activity from an IP address located in the same town as the IP address mentioned in the private message scandal.

I cannot, however, prove any of these attacks on GCO beyond what I would consider a reasonable doubt, therefore I will maintain it is all a suspicion and theory and not discuss it further. It was, however, very difficult for me to remain a part of GCN while seeing so many people declare their admiration for this person. When you pour all of your life into a ministry and it's downfall can be largely attributed to the malicious actions of others, it becomes very difficult to move in the same social circle where those people receive praise. I will never understand their motivation, but I have forgiven them. That does not, however, mean I'm ready to interact with those people on a regular basis.

When something in your life can bring you joy, yet can also cause you to feel worn down, beaten up, judged, and feeling as though your own voice no longer matters in a community, what do you do? Where is the breaking point? I found mine. And I'm in a much, much better place personally and spiritually since leaving GCN. Until just a couple of months ago, I hadn't even thought of GCN. It wasn't until some folks began asking why I wasn't around there anymore that its existence even came to mind. I'd like to return to that place, and not really have to think of it anymore. Now that I've cleared the air, I hope I can continue moving forward, not backward.

Before I close, I'd like to clear up two things.

First, I realize this is all entirely one sided. There are people who will completely disagree with me. That's fine. I'm writing about my experience and my perception of GCN, not yours. You'll notice I use a lot of "I" statements..."I think" and "I feel" rather than stating anything as hard, cold fact. I know a lot of people love GCN and feel their lives are enriched by it. That is amazing and I am not attempting to diminish anyone else's experience. But before anyone lashes out at me or attempts to "straighten me out" please let me remind you again, this is all just my experience and my perception. Mine is just as valid as yours, even if our experiences have been entirely different.

Second, I am friends with moderators and other leaders within GCN. At no time do I discuss GCN in any way, shape or form with those people (the one exception is a moderator I've occasionally encouraged to step down because it seems, at times, being a moderator on GCN drives that person absolutely bonkers and I prefer to see my friends not having to deal with petty bullshit). I do this deliberately so my friends are never put in a compromising position whatsoever. Nothing I have written today comes from any experience other than my own nor from any information that I did not obtain first hand.

So there you have it, gang. All the mystery is finally out in the open and I hope people can go on with their lives and stop dropping all the not too subtle hints that they're dying to know why I won't be a part of GCN (stress that "won't be" part. I feel it's best to leave that door closed). I've posted this to explain my departure. If you'd like to discuss it with me, that's fine, but I really don't have anything to contribute beyond what's already here. These are my reasons, at least the ones I'm willing to discuss. But I will discuss what's already here if you'd like. Leave me a comment, send me an IM or hit me up on Facebook.

But please don't lash out at me. I can't emphasize enough that this is all just my own opinion. I am not trying to convince anyone to leave GCN nor am I attempting to tarnish that organization. I respect the work they are doing and the difference they are making in the lives of tens of thousands of people, but it is not an organization that I wish to be a part of, and you've just read my many reasons why. I will continue to seek out fellowship with other Christians in general and gay Christians specifically, both in my day to day life and online. When I do so online, I realize I'm going to encounter a lot of people who are active members on GCN; that's fine. I simply hope people will stop dismissing me unless I'm also an active part. We'll see.

And, by the way, gossip is ugly. So is drama. Please don't use anything you've read here to try and start either one. You're an adult; act like one. Also, please don't use my blog (or it's syndication on Facebook) as a starting point for your own personal rants.

Tweet Tweet

2008-12-11T02:04:00.003-06:00

I've posted a time or two of my Tweet clouds from Twitter before. If you're new to my blog (and there's a surprising number of you on my actual blog here at http://brandon72.blogspot.com), and you're on Twitter (and you should be), feel free to follow me.

By the way, on topic here, I once saw a blog that ran on Wordpress that had all the Tweets incorporated into the blog itself, instead of just an RSS feed over to the side. Does anyone know how I could do that on Blogger? I want each Tweet I post to show up in the body of my blog, not over in the side panel, in proper order.

I'm discovering that Twitter isn't really about what I have to Tweet (though I do enjoy it). It's more about giving me an opportunity to listen to several other voices as we microblog and tweet and love songs on last.fm and generally use Twitter for the thousands of things I see it used for. My phone's upgrade to Windows Mobile 6.1 added threaded messaging, so I see all the people I follow in one thread, and it's nice. I get to hear their voice, know what they're up to, see where they are and generally participate in their lives a little bit.

As the persistently connected citizen, this sort of constant information feed is somewhat comforting to me. I may not be able to pick up the phone at any given moment, but I can easily know how Nikki's doing, what Santa Claus is up to or whether or not my fellow geeks have been, well, geeky lately. I love it!

If you don't know what Twitter is, I'd encourage you to find out. Follow a few people, start tweeting (it can be done by text message, and is oh so simple) and join the fun!

Oh, by the way, here's the most recent Tweet cloud:

Yeah, that cloud about sums up the past few weeks quite well.

Green Christmas

2008-11-29T00:11:00.002-06:00

While I'm certainly an advocate for environmental responsibility, that's not the topic here. No, the green I'm referring to is the color of money. Cash.

I need it.

A lot of people who read my blog (both on it's source at brandon72.blogspot.com and on syndication in facebook) purchase me gifts each year. This serves as notice that all my wish lists and everything else can be ignored. I only want one thing: CASH.

Cash to go into a special savings account I've opened. It's a saving's account to go see him. "Him, who?" Well, the guy I've blogged about a little bit. I AM going to New England in January to see him the week of his birthday. I don't care if I have to walk, I will go. And when I am there, I plan on making the most of the trip. For his birthday, I want to take him out on a proper date, a nice date. I want us to be able to go do stuff while I'm there.

My goal: $1,000 by January 17th. A ticket right now is around $350 (flying into Boston, more if I fly into an airport even closer to him). As the date approaches, I know the ticket price will keep going up. I'm guesstimating I'll wind up paying $500 for the ticket. That leaves another $500 for spending money.

I have three pay checks between now and then. If work keeps offering unlimited overtime, I should have about $600 - $700 of that by then (every dime I make in overtime is going into savings). If they don't, I'll be screwed. Which means I'll have to drive. In my aging car, with the risk of winter weather in New England. Which will knock four days off my time with him (2 days driving up there, 2 days driving back).

So I'm canceling all gift requests and asking for one simple thing: CASH. Help me make this trip to see him the best. Skip the gifts, send me the money. It'll go right into savings. I know it's a tacky thing to ask, but I simply must go see him. I'd be stupid not to.

Handsome, by Karen

2008-11-25T22:58:00.002-06:00

If you had your own Karen, you too could go from this:

... to this!

I swear the woman is a miracle worker!

Random List

2008-11-17T20:39:00.002-06:00

As I've been fussing about with computers today, and moving around their bits and pieces, I came across a slip of paper from one of my numerous 3x5" notepads. It contains the following list.

JC Penney Home Store

Bed Bath & Beyond

Target

Place by Food for Less

And below all of that, I drew a solid line, underneath which I wrote, and circled, "SAT"

What in the world was I reminding myself? And why can't I figure out what the "place by Food for Less" is? That's a pretty big shopping center...

Odd. Random.

That's It?

2008-11-17T11:13:00.001-06:00

No wonder it took so long for the YouTube video to upload...

SATA Hell

2008-11-17T10:14:00.001-06:00

I just spent over an hour searching high and low for the CD with my SATA drivers to do a clean install of Vista only to accidentally click the "next" button and realize Vista is all too happy to install without a driver.

Ug.

This is what insomnia does. It makes you stupid.

Why I'm Protesting Proposition 8 (or, Four Years Ago: Amendment 2)

2008-11-15T08:23:00.013-06:00

In August of 2004, Missouri residents voted to approve Amendment 2. It passed with just over 70% of voters in favor of it. I was very angry and very disappointed. In my own county, the numbers were a bit higher, with over 75% of voters in favor of Amendment 2. For weeks after, I found myself looking at groups of people and quickly tallying up how many of them, based on that 75%, had voted against me. They smiled, they greeted me, they asked me to help them find books, and they didn't think I deserve the same rights they have. I felt so very second class, so very alienated and "other."

While my anger and disappointment were sparked by the passage of Amendment 2, it was also fueled by the most unlikely of sources: the national "gay community."

I'm friends and acquaintances with thousands of GLBT people and GLBT-friendly straight people all around the world. In speaking with many of them following Amendment 2, I was met with very little compassion. Instead, I received responses such as "What did you expect? You live in a 'red' state." Or laughter followed by, "Well, why don't you just move to somewhere more progressive?" You can even read one such comment right in my blog.

One conversation stands out above them all, though. I still remember part of it word for word, and even referred back to an IM log of it. A friend said to me, "Dude, hello??? You live in biblebelt Missouri. You should move out here to California where something like that would never happen."

Oh really now? It's just that easy to up and leave your home and the life you love?

Even the national GLBT organizations lacked the sense of outrage that I felt was needed. Granted, my state voted a little early on the issue, with others to follow in November. But the message was muted, the anger toned down. It was as though there was a quiet acceptance that this was just how things were going to be in these states. It was to be expected. We would fight the injustice in places where it seemed like we can win, places like California. I felt very isolated from the national GLBT community. In fact, I even stopped supporting all national GLBT organizations for a couple of years because I truly felt as though they didn't have any valid response, any clear plan or any true desire to stand together with GLBT Missourians.

I've had four years to forgive my neighbors, resume supporting GLBT organizations, and realize my friends in California are myopic (kidding on that last one! don't flame me!). And I've had four years to adjust to, without accepting, life as a citizen without equal rights. I've even been quite hopeful that, in my lifetime and even while I'm still young, I will see equal rights for GLBT people not only in Missouri, but in all of the United States. I've kept tabs on the progress we're making, and a lot of it is encouraging. We have had and will continue to have setbacks, but we will keep on marching toward the goal of equality. It's the American way to struggle against oppression and throw off the shackles of injustice.

Yet, my anger and disappointment have been returning, though not nearly as extreme as four years ago. Like many Americans, I was moved to tears of joy (and relief!) when Sen. Barack Obama was declared our President-elect. Yet that joy was mixed with sorrow as I learned of the results in Arkansas, Arizona, Florida and California. I thought back to how I felt on August 4, 2004, and imagined how my friends must be feeling. I offered a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to those who wanted to talk about it. We shared our anger and our disappointment via text messages, phone calls, IM's and a few lunches.

It was rather difficult for me to refrain from pointing out that we should remain hopeful despite these recent major setbacks. Many of these anti-gay laws can and will be overturned by the courts or ballot initiatives (though, let's be honest, more by the former than the latter). I truly believe many of the current cases have a solid chance of winding up in the Supreme Court where we could get a ruling with similar national impact like Lawrence v. Texas. We will see equality, and we will see it soon. My own little message of hope wasn't well received by my friends, though. I suppose, four years ago, I wouldn't have been too receptive to that message, either. I was seeing (and writing in) red back then.

Yet my anger and my disappointment this morning are once again fueled by more than just the anti-gay laws. I feel as though what's going on in my state, and in several others that have gay marriage bans on the books, are not being included in today's planned protests. While I can certainly understand that California is unique in that they previously had equal marriage rights only to face a narrow passage of Proposition 8 which stripped away those rights, I really wish there was a sense of outrage for all of us living as second-class citizens. It feels like all the attention is on California and overturning Proposition 8.

Last night, I was speaking with the same friend who offered the little "move to California, that would never happen here" nugget. He was, rightfully, going on and on about the injustice, the outrage, the inequality and yet his building excitement over seeing so many people signing up for simultaneous protests and rallies today .

At one point he asked, "Brandon, what will I do if we can't beat this fucker? I love my home and my life here [in California]."

I really wanted to pick a random state without a gay marriage ban (though there's not many left to choose from) and say, "Well, you could always move to X, something like that could never happen there." I wanted to, but I didn't. Instead, I reminded him of all the reasons to be hopeful and to join together to work for equality.

I think, perhaps, some measure of good can come out of Proposition 8. In the past week, I've spent some time wondering what would have happened if, four years ago, when so many states were passing gay marriage bans, there had been the same national sense of outrage, protest and grass-roots organization as we're seeing today? What if, instead of the overall "it can't happen where I live" apathy I encountered, there had been a national call to action? Would Proposition 8 have even made it to the ballot? If so, would it have been crushed? The national "gay community" has a very real opportunity to unite together today and going forward to fight injustice not only in California, but where ever it rears its ugly head in our great nation. I hope the day of apathy is gone and the day of action is here.

So, I'll go to the rally on the Square here in Springfield at 12:30 PM today. Even though the wind is howling, it's only forecast to be 39 degrees and the sun will be hidden by clouds, I'll bundle up and I will gather together to stand up for our rights. I will stand with my community against Proposition 8, but also in solidarity as we look forward to a tomorrow free of injustice all across our land. I hope that everyone will remember that, while we have many faces, many backgrounds and many lifestyles, we're one national community. I hope that when the fight against injustice shows up in another region, that same national solidarity will rule the day.

UPDATE: It was very cold, in the mid-30's with the wind making it feel much colder. There was a bit of snow whipping around in the wind. But the turnout was pretty good, and the response to our presence positive. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't see more of my friends there. Not because I was looking to use this as a social event, but because they should have been there with the rest of us. I guess the gays don't do cold well.

I took my video camera and shot a few short passes of the crowd from various angles. I'll try to get that online in a few days.

I'll be adding links to local media coverage and video clips as I stumble across them.
Locals Protest California's Prop 8
Springfield residents unite to protest Proposition 8
Supporters of Gay Marriage Rally In Downtown Springfield
Locals join national protest of California marriage ban

Enamored

2008-11-14T01:33:00.007-06:00

In the wee hours of the morning, while the twin ugly step-sisters Insomnia and Migraine kept me company, I sent a quick little tweet out that read, "I'm enamored by a guy and few know who he is. Most of those who think they know are wrong, and everyone else doesn't know."

I sent that tweet partly out of my great affection for him and wanted a way to express it to the world, but also because I know some people have begun to notice stuff and would soon begin asking questions. Boy did I ever underestimate the response I'd get.

In public, there were only three. In private, I quit counting. Most came via facebook messages (since twitter also updates my facebook status) and text messages. WOW!

So here's the deal. Yes, there's a guy out there that I'm pretty nuts for and he's pretty nuts for me (which actually makes him simply pretty nuts). I met him online and have known him for one day shy of seven weeks. We have not met in person, because he lives in New England and I live in Missouri and we're both not able to afford to travel (anyone wanna chip in some cash or frequent flier miles so I can go see him soon???). I swore to myself I would never, ever have a long distance relationship. I've learned to stop making silly promises that limit me.

So who is he? Well, he's younger than me (everyone always asks that first, so there ya go; age is irrelevant to me), he's in school studying some really cool stuff, he's fairly athletic, he's sort of a geek (and an Apple fanboy; I make fun of him for that), he's intelligent, he has a refreshing world-view and what many people would call a very "old soul." He's also incredibly cute and sexy. From the first time we talked, we've both felt a connection that we each describe as spiritual and deep. That connection has not ceased since. No, I don't feel he is perfect or without fault, and I'm encouraged that he doesn't seem to expect perfection from me, either.

"No, Brandon, who is he?!" Yeah, I hear you asking. But I'm not gonna give a name. Not yet. In previous relationships, I gush and I gush about every new guy I meet. Not this time. Things are a lot different this time, and more than a little complicated given the physical distance and future plans, and a couple of other things that I'll keep between him and myself.

Am I in love? Well, that's not an easy question to answer, because of all the baggage that comes with that phrase. IN love is typically defined differently than loving someone. I care about him very deeply, according to my roommate (my roommate is the only person I am confident knows who this guy is) I tend to smile a lot when talking about him, I feel a little tingle go down my spine when I see him sign on or I hear his voice; so yeah, I do love him. IN love, though? That takes a little more time. And this time, I'm simply not gonna rush it. I'm gonna let things be what they are and not rush to label anything or jump the gun on anything. We're not "dating" or boyfriends or anything like that. We're two guys who really dig each other and want to see what happens.

So, sorry friends and family, this time I'm playing my cards a lot closer to my chest. Don't let the mystery worry you, though. Despite my previous displays of poor decisions when it comes to dating, I'm asking you to trust me. K? Please don't be upset that I haven't said much to you or mentioned him. All in good time and what will be, will be.

Ubuntu Daily Use

2008-11-13T19:12:00.004-06:00

For almost a month now, I've been using Ubuntu as my primary operating system. Sure, I'm a geek and all, but my switch was prompted by two things.

First, I wanted to see if using WUBI, the window's based Ubuntu installation application, was really as simple as claims I had read. In a nutshell, yes, it was very simple. You download the small WUBI file to your Windows computer and run it like any other installation file. You get to choose how much hard drive space Ubuntu can have, your user name, password and a few other things, and the download then installation begins.

The only major downside that I noticed was rather slow download speeds. This isn't my first adventure into Ubuntu (though it is the first time I wound up using it daily), and those downloads were typically an ISO being downloaded via bit torrent. The old way took maybe 5 minutes to download the entire installation CD ISO file. WUBI took closer to 45 minutes to download its installation files. I have a 10Mbps cable connection (Mediacom pitches it as 8Mbps, but I can get download speed test results near 10Mbps fairly regularly), and tested the download portion of the installation on both an 802.11g laptop and on my desktop, which is hardwired into my home network. A torrent will always be much faster than downloading the files the old fashioned way, so it would be nice to see WUBI add torrent functionality, instead of just downloading off a server.

Once WUBI finished downloading the required installation files, everything took 10 to 15 minutes, depending on which computer I was using. At restart, I was greeted with a Windows Boot Manager screen asking me to select Windows or Ubuntu. If you do nothing, Windows will load by default. Selecting Ubuntu took me in and finished up the installation. All in all, that required another 5 to 10 minutes, again depending on which machine we're talking about.

An interesting feature of using WUBI to install Ubuntu is that it leaves Windows as the default operating system and adds an entry to the Add/Remove Programs (or Programs and Features when in Vista) panel, letting you remove Ubuntu with just a few mouse clicks. Doing so will uninstall the OS, edit the boot manager and then delete the Ubuntu partition from your hard drive. Not bad.

By the way, the laptop is a pitiful little old Toshiba with a Mobile Pentium 4 processor running at 3.2GHz, with Windows "seeing" 1.12GB of the 1.5GB of installed ram (I think it's DDR2, but I can't remember for certain. Though, as I second-guess myself, it's prolly just DDR). It's an odd number of ram because it came with a piddly 512 installed, with a slot to add up to 1GB (you can't access the original 512 unless you take the whole thing apart). I have as much as possible pumped to the graphics on here, so it drops available to Windows down to 1.12GB. Oh, and Windows XP SP3 is installed. Anyway...

The desktop is a machine I built myself running an AMD 64bit dual core at 3.0GHz with 2GB of RAM (Windows gets it all since I have a graphics card in there) and Windows Vista Home Premium (go ahead and laugh but I like Vista; I only wish I had put Ultimate 64 on there instead). Interesting side note: the ram in the desktop is currently bad, as verified with MemTest86 (from a bootable CD) and the numerous blue screens I get in Vista. Yet things run PERFECT in Ubuntu. I'm not quite sure I fully understand how that's possible since it's a hardware failure, but hats off to Ubuntu for coping with bad ram.

On the laptop, the installation was simple enough. It didn't detect the wireless card initially, so I plugged in an ethernet cable and let it search for drivers. I had to reboot and install updates three or four times as it adjusted itself to the hardware and found drivers for the graphics (ATI Mobility Radeon 9000 IGP), wireless card and, interestingly enough, the touchpad (which I don't use anyway; I use an external mouse. I hate touchpads). Once all that was done, I unplugged the cable, punched in my SSID and network key and I was online. Every once in a while, Ubuntu will connect to my neighbor's unsecured Netgear router (oh how I want to go in and rename that thing since it's unsecured), but it's easy enough to tell it to switch back to my network. I'm not quite sure why that's happening, though, since I have my network set as the only one to auto connect at startup. It may have something to do with the fact my network does not broadcast its SSID, I'm not sure.

On the desktop, since it's always wired into the network via an ethernet cable (I have a USB wireless adapter for it, but I've never used it. I move so many large files between the desktop and my server that the extra speed from being wired is handy), the installation finished and Ubuntu went to work downloading drivers. As I recall, the only one I had to really interact with it on was the nVidia driver, and that was simply a matter of telling it to go ahead and use it. I don't have audio working the way I want it to, however.

My desktop sound system is a nice Logitech Z-5500 system, and I use the digital optical input for my sound. The motherboard in my desktop has 6 channel direct, standard stero, as well as coax and optical digital outputs. Since the Logitech system also has onboard 5.1 digital decoding, it only makes sense to simply send it the digital signal and let it handle the rest. Well, that doesn't work in Ubuntu. I can get audio from headphones and if I connect the Logitech system using the 6-channel cable that uses miniplugs, but the coaxial and optical digital connections simply do not work. I've discovered this isn't uncommon with optical audio connections, but I haven't yet had the opportunity to implement any of the fixes I've found online. I have some things to learn about editing files in Linux before I jump into adding lines to those files. This isn't really a priority, however. The only reason I installed Ubuntu on the desktop was to play around with the advanced visual tricks it can do (my Toshiba can't handle those) and tinker around with the OS on a 2nd system. 100% of the games I have on my desktop require Windows, and so 99% of the time, the desktop is running Vista, not Ubuntu. Of course, with bad ram, the desktop doesn't really run much these days. I need ram for that thing desperately! I miss Civilization IV and The Sims 2 so much! :)

Anyway, audio is the only issue I have on the desktop installation. I'm very impressed that the nVidia control panel in Ubuntu offers far more information and control than its counterpart does in Windows.

As I mentioned, my jump into Ubuntu was prompted by two things. We've already talked about WUBI, and my experiences intalling Ubuntu on two different computers. The second reason was that my primary laptop, a 17" HP, has been off for repairs and there's been a lot of miscommunication due to language barrier issues that have delayed those repairs. But that's a story for another entry that I'll need to be careful about given that HP is the client I work for. The pitiful little old Toshiba has been sitting neglected in its bag for months. With its replacement currently on vacation, and my unwillingness to load IM clients, web browsers, e-mail apps and blah blah blah onto my desktop, I pulled out the Toshiba.

This little Toshiba has some serious issues, however. From day one, overheating and randomly shutting down because of that heat has been a very regular problem. In fact, this computer went into the shop for that very problem numerous times. Each time, Toshiba claimed it was fixed. Each time, it came back with the same problem (and, the final time, a screwed up LCD that Toshiba refused to fix - NEVER EVER buy a Toshiba). What makes it overheat? Sometimes, not much. If I have a few IM's and a webpage open and Windows Update kicks in, the fans go into overdrive as though the thing is preparing for take off, and within a minute, it'll get disturbingly hot and then shut off. When I do any application installations, I actually get a large fan and set it right next to the computer, on highest speed, and let it blow air across the entire laptop (my hands wind up FREEZING!). It's really a bad design flaw in this particular model, and I've found scores of complaints of the same issue with this model online. I've had the case open once and the cooling system inside of this laptop is simply inadequate.

In a funny side note, however, the overheating problem is slightly decreased by skipping the OEM "Recovery" installation of Windows and, instead, using an XP installation CD. It seems the Toshiba power management and cooling control applications actually exacerbate the issue by running the processor at higher speeds than the workload really requires. Windows, on it's own, can do a better job (and Ubuntu is doing an even better job still, keeping it scaled down to 1.87GHz most of the time, with some quick bursts higher now and then). Keeping Toshiba's OEM installation of Windows off of this laptop has actually helped it.

So as I began using the Toshiba, the infuriating overheating quickly reared it's ugly hot-head. So I started looking for solutions. I remembered that Ubuntu was small enough to run off of a CD. In fact, I've used Ubuntu Live CD's several times to retrieve files off of Windows computers with bad hard drives. Since it boots from the CD, I'm usually able to go in and, with an external USB drive and some patience, extract a pretty good image of the bad hard drive. I really should start charging people to do that for them. It usually takes a full day, and it's rare they lose any data. Anyway, my memory of earlier versions of Ubuntu lead me to wonder what might happen with Ubuntu on this crappy laptop.

I'm pleased to say that things work fine, for the most part. I've found a nice little system resource monitor that shows me how hard the processor is working and the internal temp of the computer, so I can back off when it's close to overheating. But, thankfully, that doesn't happen too often. I can usually have IM open (a bonus: Pidgin is included, so I can be signed into AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Google and MySpace IM through one client - though the downside is I lose the voice and video chat capabilities that I often used in those other clients), two or three tabs in Firefox and e-mail (I'm impressed with Evolution Mail as an Outlook replacement). If I tried to do all of that in XP on this same machine, it would overheat and shut off, probably before I even got the third firefox tab open.

With few exceptions, I'm able to use this Toshiba running Ubuntu to do all the things I was using my HP laptop for. There are some hiccups, however. For instance, I'm having difficulties getting Avast (antivirus) to install and stay installed. It keeps disappearing, as though I never installed it in the first place. I suspect this has more to do with my own limited knowledge of how things work in Ubuntu than a flaw in this OS. I'm still learning.

I also can't sync my Windows Mobile 6.1 smartphone with Ubuntu or with Evolution). I've read a few articles online that talk about how to make it all work, but it seems a bit complex. Ubuntu will sync with Palm OS based devices without any modification; I'd like the same for Windows Mobile devices (and hey, the iphone as well). Ubuntu detects the phone is there whether via USB or Bluetooth, but it isn't quite sure what to do with it. Ideally, I'd like my contacts and appointments, and maybe even my e-mail (though not Gmail since I already get that via IMAP on my phone) and some files (my phone plays MP3's so I keep some music on there) and pictures to sync between the laptop and the phone. I'll have to do more research and play around to get that to work, if it even will. For now, I sync the media (MP3's and photos taken with the camera's phone) with the desktop, to a temporary folder that will be moved to the HP once I get it back.

And as I've already mentioned, Pidgin doesn't support video and voice chat and those are things I used regularly. Granted, the HP also had a built in webcam and mic and so using video and voice right now (via my camcorder and a headset) wouldn't be convenient anyway, if this laptop could even handle the extra strain. Granted, this isn't a Ubuntu shortcoming, since Pidgin is it's own open source project. Still, I'd like to have that functionality because I will (I hope) eventually get my HP laptop back. I do like having one client for multiple IM services, however. My roommate uses Pidgin on Windows and seems to love it. Let's hope the developers at Pidgin can add this functionality.

I'll be interested to see how things work in the day to day once I get my regular laptop back from repairs (if I ever do). In my world, one computer sits out in the downstairs living room as a server (though it needs serious upgrades), my desktop then serves as my gaming computer (and the rare video editing task) while my laptop is my everyday computer for e-mail, chat, web browsing, whatever (ahhh, the number of things we can all file under "whatever"). The HP laptop is a nice little machine in its own right, running an AMD Turion 64 at 1.9GHz with 2GB of RAM (up to 512 of that going to video, since it, too, has integrated graphics). It runs Vista very efficiently, but as I'm getting more and more used to using Ubuntu as my daily OS, I'm sure I'll wind up installing it on the HP as well.

In a perfect world, I'd have a MacBook Pro as well (I suspect it would take over for the HP) that has OS X, Vista via bootcamp (or whatever they call it these days) and Ubuntu on it. But, well, I don't have the cash to become an Apple fanboy (though my very first computer ever was an Apple IIe+, I think it was bought in 1982). In the meantime, I'm rather pleased with my unexpected conversion to being a daily Ubuntu user. I'll continue to investigate the few issues I am having because knowledge of another operating system is always good for a geek, especially a geek working in tech support.

Uh Oh, Looks Like a Storm

2008-11-13T02:49:00.002-06:00

Well, I got over my iPhone fever when two versions of it came and went still lacking key features I want (and have) in a phone. But now, the Blackberry Storm is about to hit. I'm in phone-lust all over again.

Help me, please.

Tweet Cloud II

2008-11-12T16:27:00.004-06:00

I don't know why I've become so obsessed with Twitter Grade and my Tweet Cloud, but I have. I check it often. Twitter Grader is using a new algorithm which has really brought my score down. So sad.

Comparing an older tweet cloud to the latest one, I don't talk to Nick (@nicolasbrown) or Jonathan (@jgillette) as much as I used to, but I am spending more time talking to Nikki (@shallowdeep). I'm also far less negative, and apparently became an obnoxious Obamatron. Take a look:

like my see don't i'm good me friends get @shallowdeep still voting reminding everyone gonna alright. obama. vote barack obama! visit go obama my.barackobama.com

So what does it all mean? It means that I spend too much time with technology. Wait, what am I saying?! Geek Pride, baby, Geek Pride.

Change Begins Today

2008-11-04T23:59:00.000-06:00

Two Years Ago

2008-11-04T22:34:00.003-06:00

Two years ago, I read The Audacity of Hope. As I read the last words, I began thinking of Barack Obama as President Obama. In fact, I began calling him that the very next day. Before he announced his candidacy, before anyone thought he would even have a chance, I was hopeful that the man who penned that book could bring about great change to not only our nation, but to our world.

I'm thankful that the nation joined me in my hope of the past two years, and I join with everyone with anticipation of what will come. I call upon President-elect Obama to follow in the footsteps of the last tall, skinny President from Illinois and build a cabinet from your rivals and those you might not always agree with ideologically.

Congratulations to President-elect Obama, your family and to everyone who worked so hard to make this moment in history so great.

To the nation, let's move forward, together, united, to turn hope for change into reality. Never forget, yes we can!

Change the World

2008-11-04T01:11:00.005-06:00

Friends, go make history today.

Vote Barack Obama. Vote hope for America.

Yes we can!

Visit VoteForChange.com, call 877-874-6226 or text VOTE to 62262 to find your polling locations.

ObamaNation

2008-11-02T22:39:00.005-06:00

As Election Day draws close, I've had some concerns as I read polls. It's been close, and getting closer. There were already concerns about voting "irregularities" and other shenanigans. But after going to the Obama rally last night, my worry has been replaced with the sense of optimism and hope I've held all year long concerning this election. I mean, if 40,000 people show up in Springfield, Missouri, a republican stronghold, I have good reason to be hopeful. By the way, that's roughly five times more people than showed up for a Palin rally just days earlier in the same town!

Though I was really close to the podium, my angle had the prompter screen blocing my view of most of the faces behind that podium. So I don't have any good pics. But if you look at the pic below (click it to see it full size), and look for the little red line, you can see my hat. At that moment, I was about 20 yards away, and as the speech progressed, my friends and I worked our way closer and closer.

(source AP Photo/Charlie Riedel, found here)

I want to ask each and every person to do three things.

First, go to BarackObama.com and make a donation. Make a big donation, make it as big as you can. I just gave another $30 even though it means I'm gonna have to eat really cheap for the next two weeks (that's half my grocery budget).

Second, visit BarackObama.com and sign up to volunteer some of your time Monday and Tuesday to contact undecided voters.

Third, on Tuesday, get up early and go vote for Barack Obama for President. Show up early in case the lines are long and stay there until you get your chance to vote!

If you're still undecided, or if you're just not going to vote, talk to me. Call me. Text me. E-mail. Whatever. I want to talk to you. Every vote counts, in every election.

Wii (Aren't) Fit

2008-10-30T04:23:00.003-05:00

Ahem. [begin 7 year old tattle-tale voice] Mommmmmeeeeee! The video game call me faaaaaat![end 7 year old tattle-tale voice]

It's true. Wii Fit says I'm not. Fit, that is. In fact, it put me right up in the obese category (something my Doctor disagrees with, but what does she know with her fancy medical school education? SHE doesn't use a balance board, now does she?!). It's not like a mirror, my webcam or any photo didn't already reveal I'm a big boy. I used to be so skinny. It all went wrong about 10 years ago).

But I've committed myself to fitness. While a chiseled yet lean body would be nice, I've set somewhat lower goals for myself (maybe once I hit my current goals, I'll go for the definition). I'd like to drop nearly 70 pounds, gain endurance (I can't run a block without feeling like I'll die), and get a good combination of strength training and balance. I've begun a fitness routine of walking the dog, riding my bike (up some very good steady inclines as fast as I can go), followed by some time with Thor, the home gym. Now I'll incorporate the Wii Fit as well. Though I'm not sure where. The yoga part would be great for warm-up. Maybe I'll do that and some balance exercises, walk the dog, ride the bike, come back for strength training and end with Thor (I feel real weights will be helpful as they provide resistance not present with the Wii Fit exercises). I'm not sure what I'll do about riding the bike during ice and snow. Anyone have a stationary bike or one of those cool stair-step/treadmill combo machines collecting dust?

My biggest challenge is gonna be my diet. I have to say goodbye to my love affair with Dr Pepper and fast food. I know I do. It's the willpower/self-control thing I need to work on there. And I need to start preparing more of my own food. I absolutely HATE preparing food when it's just for me. So much prep, so much time cooking, so much cleanup... just for me. But for my health, I suppose it's worth it. This is where I need the greatest improvement though, I know.

I was doing really well in August and September. I slacked off in October. Granted, some very funky things have been going on with my heart, and the cardiology team at ole Cox hospital still can't figure out what it is. They've told me to take it easy until they know what's going on. But ya know what? Taking it easy caused me to put 7 pounds back on last month. That's 7 pounds I had lost (I was down by almost 30 for the year, now it's only 23). So, let them run their tests but I'm gonna keep exercising. I may not push myself as hard for now (prolly smart, given I don't want the ole ticket to 'splode inside my chest), but I'm not gonna sit around anymore.

Today, I turn 36. I'd really like to see 60 or so more of these birthday celebrations (an actual party would be nice, maybe next year) before I call it quits. To do that, I have to lose all this fat and live healthier. Anyone in the Springfield area want to help me out? I need help with my diet and I need someone to give me the gentle (and not-so gentle) nudges to keep at it when I don't want to. Or hey, you don't even need to be from Springfield. Many of you have my phone number...

American Stories, American Solutions - Vote Obama!

2008-10-30T01:25:00.001-05:00

Updated Screen Names: Revision

2008-10-30T00:20:00.002-05:00

I previously posted that I had new screen names on Yahoo and AIM. Originally, I was going to leave them linked to my old ones, but have since decided to let them branch out on their own. So if you've not seen me online, check out that old post (or Facebook info), add the new screen names and then drop me a line.

By the way, I use Pidgin from time to time, which also allows me to sign into Myspace, MSN and GTalk. If you use those and want my contact info there, let me know and I'll get it to you.

I Miss You, Baby

2008-10-29T06:30:00.003-05:00

Two years, and it hasn't gotten easier. In fact, I miss her more today than I did two years ago. I have never really recovered from losing her. The same dark cloud, the same sense of dread, that I began feeling during her final months battling her disease has never left me.

I don't really have words to express what she meant and how broken my heart is without her. So here's some pictures to help me (and hopefully you) smile some.

Teri was always cold, it seemed. On warm, sunny days, it was next to impossible to get her to come in out of her sunbeam.

She LOVED going to this park to walk and bark at the ducks! It was one of her most favorite things.

This pic looks like a closeup because it was taken from my usual vantage point in my recliner, with her on the couch next to me. She was always by my side.

Teri McKay, I miss you so much baby girl.

Beat Down

2008-10-25T14:54:00.002-05:00

It's a gorgeous day here in the Ozarks. In fact, it looks like the entire next week is gonna be incredible! I love Autumn.

It's a bit spoiled, however. I have the windows open and I can hear a neighbor and his son outside playing catch with the football. Usually that would be a cool thing, but the little boy keeps saying, "Daddy, I don't like football!" His objections are met with overly macho statements about how real mean play football and, "you have to play football so you don't grow up to be a faggot."

With that, I really want to go out there and beat that man's ass. As I walk off, I wanna turn to his son and say, "Your daddy just got beat up by a faggot. You grow up to be whatever you want."

Alas, I'm a non-violence bleeding-heart liberal, so I'll just play Madonna really loud or something.

Tweet Cloud

2008-10-22T17:46:00.005-05:00

So I started using a new toy today thanks to a tweet that came in on my phone. You can find the badge from my new toy if you look over to the right; it's right under "Follow me on twitter."

Anyway, the Grader also creates a nice Tweet Cloud. And here's what's in my Twitter Cloud, as of today.

thinks needs go two my @jgillette @nicolasbrown wonders isn't can't doesn't

I'm not so sure I like that three of my most used words are "can't," "doesn't," and "isn't." I should start making more upbeat tweets! I started today, even before I saw my tweet cloud by beginning a tweet with the words "loves." That should be a nice start. So yeah, if you're not on Twitter, start using it. And if you are, follow me. And then actually use the service, even if that means you have to convince all your friends and family to join as well. It's a GREAT microblog and it's an excellent way to keep in touch since you can tweet and follow people all via text message.

Christmas in October

2008-10-15T15:19:00.003-05:00

My birthday is still 15 days away, yet I already have my Christmas gift. It's a brand new monitor for my desktop, and it's outrageously massively ginormously HUGE! Twenty-eight inches, wide screen. Full 1080p.

The pics below don't really do it justice. They were taken from five feet away so you can see the 17" display of my laptop, and the old 19" LCD that's no longer in use, as comparison for the size. Still, not really doing justice. But, here ya go. First up, a high-def desktop image I found that just pops right off the screen.

And here's a shot from a DVD (The Sopranos, of course). It'll look better once it's hooked up to the desktop (that image is coming from the laptop as a secondary display; the desktop's RAM went the way of the grave the other day).

Organizing Music Library: Suggestions?

2008-10-13T18:00:00.002-05:00

I'm back to the never-ending task of organizing my music library in iTunes.

Right now, I'm dealing with the thousands of duplicates that I have. I'm not entirely sure how I wound up with so many duplicates. One guess would be that the process of *ahem* acquiring the music may have snagged some duplicates. Another guess would be as I've moved from one computer to another, there may have been some songs already copied over and wound up getting copied again. As I changed computers again, it snowballed.

So I'm looking for some suggestions for software that can help me with this. Preferably something open source as I trust that more and I'm cheap. Oh, and the software has to be for a PC. I don't own a MAC (I wish I did, I keep dreaming that Santa will bring me a MacBook Pro for Christmas, but I doubt that will happen).

I'd like something that can go through and help me with the duplicates, being able to make "informed" decisions for me (leaving duplicates if they appear on two different albums, for example).

I'd also like something that can fix the song info automatically. I know iTunes tries, but it often fails. "Beastie Boys - Sabatoge - 128K" isn't really a title, now, is it? iTunes also can't figure out Artist and Album info for said track. And there are hundreds of tracks with that problem in my library.

And, if it exists, I'd like something that can help assign music to the proper albums (though that might cause a problem with the first hope of help in the duplicates department). Thanks to an ex who loved to download those annoying "the 1000 best songs of the 80's EVER I RULE!!!!!" albums, I have some stuff with major Artist/Album errors.

Why do I want software to help me with this? Well, because it's taking FOREVER to do all of this manually. My music collection is approaching 150GB in size, with over 35,000 songs. Granted, I expect that to shrink quite a bit once all the duplicates are gone, but even still, it's a LOT of work.

And while we're talking about iTunes, with all of their brilliance, how is it that Apple still hasn't figured out a way to allow you to assign one physical file (song) to multiple albums. How hard could it be to allow you to tag one song as belonging to multiple albums, really? I've hoped for this feature for ages now and, yet, it still hasn't happened. It seems like that should be fairly simple.

Anyway, suggestions on software. Anyone?

Jail & Bail, or, a Request from my Sister

2008-10-08T18:38:00.004-05:00

My sister asked me to ask you, my faithful blog (notes, posts, stories) readers, for some help. It seems she's trying to raise money for the March of Dimes and has set a very challenging goal. So, read her letter below, click the link and, if you can, make a donation.

Hi everyone. I have a very important request;

HELP! A warrant for my arrest has been issued by the March of Dimes for aiding and abetting the fight against prematurity. I have been found GUILTY of wanting every baby to be born full-term and healthy! To avoid doing hard time for my crimes I must raise my bail quickly.

YOU CAN HELP bail me out – or contribute to my incarceration. Visit my cell online at http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/MrsShannonMJones. All gifts are tax deductible. PLEASE help me get out of jail!!

To learn more about how your dollars are helping to fight prematurity and save babies’ lives visit the March of Dimes at www.marchofdimes.com. If you or someone you know has had a child born prematurely or with birth defects, or who has lost a child, encourage them to visit a special site for families at
www.shareyourstory.org.

PLEASE HELP BAIL ME OUT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN JAIL!!!
EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS SO GET OUT THOSE CHECK BOOKS!!

Thanks,
Shannon Jones

For a Follower

2008-10-08T18:21:00.006-05:00

So, here's a couple of pics in tribute to one of my "followers" here on Blogger. These pics prolly won't make sense to many people, but oh well.

For those that do have a clue what this is about, if you have any old screen caps of the final version of LaCage, I'd like them. I have caps of all versions of that old hangout EXCEPT for it's final remodel.

Still The One

2008-10-06T08:21:00.001-05:00

HP continues to dominate Dell (and all others) as the leading manufacturer of computers world wide. Read more about it.

I Can See Clearly Now

2008-10-05T00:38:00.004-05:00

Coming soon to a desktop near me, a new monitor!

Thanks, Mom. :)

Those Debates

2008-10-03T00:59:00.003-05:00

Several people have asked me my opinion of the recent debates. I'll stick with my standard answer:

As soon as any candidate actually participates in a debate, instead of just reciting campaign script, I will be happy to give my thoughts on that debate.

That said, I'm terribly disappointed in both so-called debates and the candidates. With such an interesting, varied bunch I honestly expected more. This is turning out to be one of the most important elections in my lifetime and yet the campaigns are all being run business as usual.

So, Obama and McCain, please step outside of your political comfort zones and actually engage one another in true debate for the two opportunities you have remaining.

And that's all I have to say... for now.

All I Really Want

2008-09-16T01:29:00.008-05:00

If this all works out, people will think I'm On The Tequila or Giggling Again for No Reason, but in reality, it'll be because I had been in the Front Row of an Alanis Morissette concert in Kansas City just two days before my 36th birthday. Perfect. If I miss this show, well, I Can't Not NOT go! If I do, people will be asking me, "Are You Still Mad?" for weeks.

You Oughta Know that of 21 Things I Want in a Lover, adoration of Alanis is at the top of the list. I don't want a Narcissus that would make me Flinch, I just want A Man who does not have to Offer Excuses for our shared love of Alanis. But Wake Up, Brandon, he might love Alanis, but it'd be Ironic because he'd prolly also be The Guy Who Leaves. Or maybe I can find that guy, and we'll be Simple Together. He'll be my Wunderkind. Maybe he'll even give me an Orchid.

But back to the concert. That I Would Be Good enough at managing my money over the next few weeks to make that show. With tickets, I wouldn't even be Uninvited or Unsent. In fact, if you're there, I could be Joining You, but a lot of my friends Would Not Come to an Alanis show. If they did, and they live in Kansas City, I'd ask, "Can I sleep on The Couch at Your House after the show? It'll be a late night and a long drive back to Springfield."

I was Hoping Alanis would come to Kansas City or St Louis on her tour, and now that she is, I'm Head Over Feet. I'm in Limbo No More waiting on an Alanis show. I've never, ever seen her live, not One single show. I have no Fear of Bliss, so I would scream my head off at the concert, no matter how So Unsexy it would be. You Learn through life that you have to see through these Precious Illusions of image and such, sometimes swallowing your pride, and realize you can't keep your Hands Clean in the pursuit of being "cool." You gotta scream your head off at an Alanis show. I'd go so nuts, that people would allege I was out of control. Ah, So-Called Chaos. Now let's hear it In Praise of the Vulnerable Man.

The show is on October 28th, and I'm off work at That Particular Time. If I miss the show, I'll feel so Incomplete. I'd go nuts, possibly in need of a Straitjacket, possibly prone to Versions of Violence, maybe even Torch something (no, not really). That whole night, if I have to stay home, I'd feel like I'm Purgatorying, it would be Madness. Tapes of an Alanis show just wouldn't be same. Maybe some Sympathetic Character, or someone's Unprodigal Daughter, will step up and buy the tickets for me. Tickets in the Heart of the House. To that person, I'd say, "Thank U! UR the man, Baba!"

For me to make the show, I need not only tickets, but tires for my car (they're nearly bald and I don't wanna trust them on the highway). I suppose people could put a Moratorium on asking for stuff, but hey, it's two days before my birthday; this is my birthday request! I know, "Brandon, I can see Right Through You." Well, I'm not gonna keep my Hand In My Pocket and miss this show. When I finally get the tickets (and the tires), I'm sure I'll have Your Congratulations. Still, if I've offended someone, I'm sure I'll be Forgiven and you'll drop This Grudge. But I'm not gonna be Sorry to Myself, Alanis makes the Knees of my Bees weak. It brings me so much joy, that it's something so great, so much bigger, joy, Not as We know it.

But this blog entry is Not All Me. Or, maybe it is. But I have to see this show. It'll be a night of Utopia, So Pure joy that no one, Not The Doctor or anyone else, could spoil it. No high could match it (no offense to any of my friends who like the Mary Jane). There's Eight Easy Steps to ordering the tickets online (the decent seats would be about $66), and I'm sure I'd be Surrendering something else to pay for them. I'm not Spineless, so I'm willing to make the sacrifice to get the tickets. I'm just not sure where I'd get the cash for the tires. I'm a Citizen of the Planet, so I keep my car tuned (just changed the oil and filters recently), so I'll get good mileage and not pollute too much on my way to and from the show, as the highway passed Underneath my wheels. But Doth I Protest Too Much about the tire thing? I hope not.

I hope you've enjoyed this post. My dear Sister Blister, you have no idea how much I have Bent 4 U to make this work, yet You Owe Me Nothing in Return (except maybe concert tickets). If it's annoyed you, the only way Out is Through another webpage, where you can see Everything else on the interwebs. But I hope you enjoyed it, it's been fun. And yes, I really did use ALL of her song titles. At least, I think I did.

But tickets to Alanis in KC on the 28th of October - All I Really Want. Oh, and tires so I get there and back without crashing.

Twenty Two

2008-09-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Twenty-two years ago today, I made a choice. A choice to be a Christian. A follower of Christ. It's been a sometime rocky, difficult choice. It's been one that has often left me with more questions than answers (and worse, answers that I don't know the questions to!). And my definition of what it means to be a Christian is certainly a LOT different than it was 22, or even 12, years ago.

But it's still the best choice I ever made.

SP(b)ORE(d)

2008-09-10T14:54:00.004-05:00

Odd title, I know. But I have to say, I'm very disappointed in Will Wright's latest game, Spore. Keep in mind, Wright has never made a game I didn't love. From the first SimCity all the way through The Sims, I've played 'em all and the replay factor, for me, is very very high with each. I still keep going back to ALL the SimCity games (well, not that newest one, SimCity Societies, it blows). I keep going back to The Sims 2 (and now and then, The Sims). Will Wright knows how to make a sandbox fun to play in for hours each and every day.

With Spore, however, I'm already bored. It's just not balanced or well planned out. The first play through was very captivating. The world is believable and it draws you right in. The first time through, each level seems limited only by your imagination (though you quickly realize how limited each level truly is). But now I'm to the outer space portion of the game and it's become so monotonous. It could have been so much more.

The cell stage is really fun at first, and fairly fast paced. It's over way too soon, though. Unless, of course, you spend forever searching for every last unlockable that exists on that level. Then it takes way too much time with very little benefit.

The creature station remains a lot of fun for me. The world seems to large and there's so much to see. There's also a lot of very funny stuff happening at that stage. There's so much you can do with your creature in this stage, that it'll take a while to discover it all.

The Tribal stage (and the rest of the stages from Tribal forward) is where the true disappointment sets in. It's just too simplistic. Even on the hardest setting, it was fairly easy to achieve the goal (just one goal "make friends with and/or kill other tribes). Domesticating wild animals seemed fun at first until I realized I couldn't domesticate more than one and that those animals didn't follow my creatures into the next stage of the game. I've hit tribal again in a second game and there's no appeal to it at all this time through. Been there, done that.

Onto the Civilization mode. If you've ever played Sid Meier's Civilization games, think of those, then remove every single element that brings you (or me, at least) back to the game again and again. Like tribal stage, it seemed to have so much promise but it fails to deliver. You add three different types of building to determine what your cities do, then you spend your time building vehicles to either convert or blow up the cities of other civilizations. Again, the level was over way too quick.

And then on to outer space. I have to admit, that out of all the stages where I got to create things, the spaceship was my favorite. I put a lot of time into making my ship and, aside from a camera that never EVER let's me see things how I need/want to while creating, it was a very fun experience. And space exploration was fun for a very short time. VERY SHORT. Then it just became monotonous. Missions: Go there and get this/blow this up, then come back here and we'll pay you. Oh yeah, your home planet, with all it's highly evolved creatures and amazing technology, can't defend itself AT ALL, and you have to return every 10 minutes to fight off stupid aliens or some other thing.

And speaking of, there was once, when I had JUST gotten into space and not yet had the opportunity to upgrade my ship's weapons (no sporebucks nor the badges to unlock them) that my planet was attacked. I couldn't do anything about it. The second I'd go to attack an alien ship, my ship was blown to bits. Eventually all my towns were decimated and I "failed" the mission (one I never wanted in the first place) because the game introduced the alien attack long before I had any means whatsoever to combat it.

As I type this on my notebook, my desktop has a game running. But it's not SPORE. I shut SPORE off a few hours ago. No, my desktop has Civilization IV running. That game is a couple years old and yet I can never get enough of it. It is truly new and different every single time I play, giving me almost limitless game options, scenarios and units.

After all those years in development by one of the few true celebrity geniuses in the gaming industry, how is it SPORE fails to deliver? I could go on and on about the ways in which I'm disappointed. I guess the main one is I really expected to be able to go on and on about all the ways I loved it. So disappointing. Let's hope the expansion packs (it's EA, after all, you know they will released 20 million expansion packs and add-ons for it). Until then, I'll play Civ4, and The Sims 2 (another Will Wright, but one that actually keeps me coming back).

Trading for a Virtual Life

2008-09-09T23:34:00.004-05:00

I've not joined WoW or any other MMORPG. It's worse.

I bought Spore.

When you're wondering where I am, or if you see me and wonder why I look so pale, you'll know: Spore. [edit on 9/10/08 - yeah, nevermind]

At least I've provided a link here on my blog to my spore page (well, two now. Can you find the other one?).

When you visit, check out the name of my spaceship (or if there's more than one, check out the name of the first one I created).

Buck Fifty

2008-09-08T02:38:00.001-05:00

As much as I complained and whined and generally stated my deep hatred of imports, tuners and ESPECIALLY EVO's, I gotta admit... 150 down James River was pretty fun.

Starting Monday

2008-09-05T18:08:00.002-05:00

On Monday (the 8th), my new schedule kicks into place. Well, sort of. That's my first day off in my new schedule. But, starting Monday, I'll begin working Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday from 12:45 to 11:30, (obviously) with Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday off. It's a good schedule that will still allow me to make it to church each Sunday. I'll miss Friday nights (no more First Friday Art Walk for me I guess), but I'm gaining an extra day off.

This coming week will be especially spiffy. I'm off today and tomorrow (Friday and Saturday) then I work Sunday with my current shift, then I'm off THREE more days because I had already asked for Wednesday, the 10th, off. It'll be tempting to not call in on Sunday, though.

At any rate, for those of you who try to keep track of where I am, and when, now you know my work schedule. With the extra day off, I'm thinking about picking up a 2nd job, so ya never know what might happen.

Obama 08

2008-08-31T07:03:00.001-05:00

too much?

2008-08-24T06:39:00.001-05:00

30 minute brisk walk with the dog. Check.

30 minute fast bike ride. Check.

30 minute workout on Thor. Check.

Brandon's body in outright protest of such nonsense? CHECK!!!

four ten

2008-08-22T23:25:00.004-05:00

So I put in for a shift change at work. Four, ten hour days. I've done it before, and rather liked having the extra day off. I "bid" for two different shifts. Both are comparable to my current shift, ending an hour earlier, but starting three hours earlier. Neither one have the Friday-Saturday days off that I currently enjoy, but they both have one weekend day off with two days off in the middle of the week. So it's not ideal, but I think it's an acceptable trade-off to get the extra day off each week. The downside is that I'd have to switch supervisors, which means I'd be around a different set of coworkers everyday. I really enjoy a lot of the people I work with each day, so it'll suck that I won't be able to hang out with them like that anymore.

I should know something in the next week or so. The new shifts go into effect the first full week of September. I'll keep you, my faithful readers (both of you), posted.

Sour Grapes? Or, Rotten Apples.

2008-08-20T13:08:00.003-05:00

I've been accused of crying sour grapes when it comes to the iPhone. It's an entirely unfair accusation. And it also underscores the general weirdness that Apple fanatics can achieve. I have a healthy respect for Apple products, and even own one. My first computer EVER was an Apple (Apple IIe+). I don't like the way Apple handles their consumers in many aspects, but oh well. I'm not opposed to the company nor the iPhone. So the accusation of sour grapes was just silly.

It all came about because of a couple of posts I've had in my blog about how I previously wanted an iPhone but, after comparing features, decided on the Tilt made by HTC. When the iPhone 3G was announced, my interest in the phone rose once again. That didn't last long, however, as I began to realize the iPhone still lacked some things that caused me to skip it in the first place.

This morning, I stopped by CNET and found a couple of stories (via Internet Explorer on my Tilt) that once again gave me a renewed sense of confidence in my decision to go with the Tilt. My Tilt has never had any 3G reception issues and the only apps that have crashed on my phone are the ones I downloaded by mistake (Windows Mobile has been around a while, so there's a lot of different versions). Oh, and copy & paste functionality is built into the phone and works with every third party app on my phone. I don't need a hodge-podge "solution" to provide this functionality.

And speaking of apps, I know that iPhone users are all excited to have that whole world opened up to them, but honestly, it's not that new. Granted, Windows Mobile doesn't have a "store" to keep all the apps in one location. But there are scores of websites that have thousands of apps, most of them freeware and opensource. I've never paid a dime for any app on my phone, and I have stuff on there that rivals anything in the apps store from Apple. And I don't have to go through iTunes or any other application to install most of them. I can download them straight to my phone, using my phone, and install them right from the phone.

So, emotion driven iPhone zealots, accuse me of sour grapes all you want. In the meantime, I'll be enjoying my Tilt that has all the features your phone lacks. I'll also be looking forward to Android.

Family Networking

2008-08-15T19:17:00.004-05:00

I love how I can meet so many new people through all the various social networking sites (facebook, myspace, etc.), even those that appear to be a little too focused on naked people (lifeout, dlist, gaywatch - yes I have profiles on all of those, but not for the porno. Fair warning: If you follow those links, you WILL see adult content in the ads on the sites). I'm a pretty social guy, even though I get out of the house less often than I used to (I really miss having an enormous local social circle, though at times it was exhausting), so the opportunity to get to know someone new it exciting to me (and there's links to all my profiles in this paragraph - add me as a friend!)

But I also love how these sites can let me catch up with old friends (there's been a flood of old friends from high school appearing on facebook lately) and keep in touch with family. It's the latter that moved me to write this short little note: my sister added me as a friend on facebook.

That might not seem like a big deal to many, but it is to me. For reasons I don't fully understand, my sister and I have a hard time keeping in touch. I tend to hear what's going on with her through my Mom. The older I get, the more I wished I lived closer to family. If my Mom and Dad ever move within an hour of where my sister lives, I'd prolly move there, too (well, I'd prolly move to Little Rock). But for now, I'm really excited to have a new way to keep in touch with my sister.

Now if only Mom would take her facebook seriously, and Dad and the brother law would join. :) Oh, and... EVERYONE I know should join, and actively use, Twitter!

Wheels

2008-08-08T19:16:00.005-05:00

I'm sitting here, drenched in sweat. Why?

Here's why:

I picked it up late this afternoon and was surprised to find I owed less on it than I thought. About $50 less! Once I got home, I changed clothes, figured out a way to take a house key with me without it falling out of my pocket, and I hit the road for an hour. Most of my ride was fairly flat, but there were some gentle uphills grades. And lemme tell ya, I didn't realize how out of shape I am until I started going up those tiny little hills! But it's a good thing because I can feel my muscles from my chest down to my legs aching and burning and that's a good thing.

All in all, I rode roughly five miles. Not bad for the first day. My goal is to ride 5 per day on the days I work (which means I'll be needing to get a nice bright headlight so I can see where I'm going since I plan on riding after work) and 20 miles on my days off.

If you look at the picture, you can see I already have an LED headlight and, if you look even closer, you'll see there's an LED tail light too. Both can be set to either steady on or strobing, with the rear light having several strobe sequences it can do (Night Rider anyone?). These are just for safety, so people can see me day and night. I'll need a super bright headlight, though, so *I* can see. I tested the one already on there in my garage with the lights off and it doesn't really illuminate much.

And so now my attention turns toward things I need to get. Things like a helmet, some sort of water bottle, something to keep my keys, ipod and phone in and a really bright headlight. How handy is it that I've created a new amazon.com wish list just for these things? I'm also ready to my handy local greenways maps (now if I could get my printer to work!) and find a local bike club that has rides when I'm not at work. Fun stuff, eh?

Half a Tank

2008-08-06T22:11:00.002-05:00

Last month, I made a quick reference to the fact that I made a tank of gas last one full month. A few people commented, some asked questions, and that was that. Now, I'm trying to go one better: I'm currently trying to make half of a tank of gas last an entire month.

People keep asking me how it's even possible. Really, it's not too difficult. The biggest thing is that I changed my driving habits. No more quick starts, I let off the gas much earlier than I used to when coming to a red light and I shut the car off if I'm going to be idling more than a minute. On top of that, I keep my tires properly inflated, changed or cleaned all the various filters and changed my oil. You know, general routine maintenance stuff. I also started thinking ahead a little bit when it comes to shopping trips and errands. I plan ahead for things I need from the store to make sure I'm not making multiple trips throughout the week. And I'm trying to make sure I consolidate trips on my days off and mapping out where I need to go to make sure I'm not back tracking if I don't have to. I also plan those errands for times during the day when traffic isn't as heavy.

All of this has given me an average of 27 MPG, in town (I rarely hit the highway), in my 11 year old Chevy with a 3.1 liter V6 engine. The coolest thing about this whole process is that the record high gas prices really didn't hurt my budget (living in a state that often has the lowest average gas prices doesn't hurt, either). Plus it feels nice to know that if I'm not having to put gas in the car, that also means I'm lowering my carbon footprint, and that's a good thing for the whole planet.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm incredibly fortunate to have a home that is only a mile or two from work, shopping, recreation, entertainment, and well, my life. When I get my bicycle (hopefully soon, but things keep popping up, putting that off; anyone wanna chip in? LOL), I'll be driving the car far less.

I'm 10 days away from my newest goal of making the half tank of gas last an entire month. It's getting really close, but I might just pull it off!

Not, Again

2008-08-01T16:12:00.002-05:00

I recently applied for a promotion of sorts at work. It was an interim position. A manager was sent overseas for six months, though the position could become permanent. My supervisor was promoted, sort of, to interim manager, leaving an interim supervisor spot open. It's that latter role that I applied for. It is more responsibility, longer hours, but no pay increase (same thing for my boss; he didn't get a bump in pay). And, if the position does become permanent, the interim job-holder would have to interview again to keep the permanent role.

Typically, someone at my level can apply for a supervisor job, but usually won't get an interview. Since it was an interim position, however, exceptions were made. But not many at all. I was one of two or three at my level who were given an interview.

I didn't make it to the second round of interviews. Dozens applied. Eleven got first round interviews. Four got second interviews. I'll know on Sunday who actually got the job (and three of the four of them are not going to be received very well by the "team" we're on).

I'm not really discouraged by all of this, though. My boss, who I guess is now really my boss's boss, met with me yesterday. Usually, you only get a quick "thanks, but no thanks" form letter if you didn't make the cut. He wanted to meet with me personally. As we talked, he told me that my interview stood head and shoulders above all others and that he and the other supervisor who interviewed me were very impressed and even surprised to learn a few things about me. I'm a pretty low-key guy at work, preferring to go in and do my job and not make much noise about it. So I've not really had opportunity to talk to people about my experience, my knowledge or my skills. He said he was "blown away." He also said that since he is a manager, he will make certain that people in the site know my name. He couldn't go into specifics, but he did tell me several opportunities are coming in the next six months and that he's going to be working hard to make sure I make the cut.

How much of that was office BS and how much of it was sincere? I dunno. For the most part, Jeff isn't a manager who blows smoke up your ass. If you saw him on the street, you'd prolly mistake him for a biker (thing like Hell's Angels) or a bouncer at a bar. He's a big, tough looking guy and his big, tough background has left him with little patience for the usual office politics. So I'm fairly confident that he was mostly sincere. I guess I'll find out in six months.

So I'm disappointed that I didn't get the shot to prove that I can do the job, but I'm also relieved that I won't be doing tons more work for no extra pay. And now people around there are starting to know my name and are starting to come around to get to know me. So, let the corporate networking begin. And let my frustration with office politics continue to grow!

Numbers

2008-07-13T01:13:00.003-05:00

While I certainly believe age is just a number, as evidenced by the fact I know some very wise and mature young people and some very immature and foolish older people, it's also nice to have some general guidelines.

So for those who are interested (and apparently those numbers are growing), here's my guidelines:

One should be closer to my age than my Mom's age (she's my youngest parent) and one should be no more than one third of my own age younger than me. This means, roughly, 23 to 45. Again, though, these are only guidelines. Exceptions are made as necessary on a per candidate basis.

Either way, one must defy the general trends I've noticed of those toward the higher end being quite uninteresting and those toward the lower end being quite unstable. And no switching those around for the opposite ends of the spectrum, either.

Is that specific enough without being rigid?

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

2008-07-12T00:25:00.003-05:00

I've been watching my calorie intake, and what those calories come from, and I've lost some weight. I even spend some quality time with Thor. But I've wanted something... more. My big toe joints aren't shaped right, especially on my left foot, so walking a lot is out of the question. The pain becomes too much. I used to need cortisone injections when I was in high school, it would get that bad. But, a bicycle works since it doesn't put as much pressure on those joints.

So, today I headed to Springfield Bicycle Company and put some money down on a nice little hybrid bike. It'll be good for the street, but also for some trails. That's exactly what I want. I hope to be able to pay it off in a month so I can get on it. My plan is to hit a local trail each night (I also put aside a bright LED headlight and taillight) after work. From my house to the turn-around point I've picked out and back is 5.2 miles. On my days off, I plan on doing three to four times that. I love being on a bike, so even though it'll be good exercise, I'll enjoy it as well. It'll give me a lot more time with my iPod, too (though I should prolly pick up a shuffle since my iPod is a hard drive based unit).

The bike will help me with my health, but will it help me save money? A lot of people are turning to bikes to cope with rising gas costs. Well, I don't know that a bike will really help me much there. Right now, I'm four days shy of hitting the one month mark since I last put gas in the car. It cost me a few cents over $41 to fill up then. That means it's averaged out to about ten bucks a week for me for gas. I'm really thankful that my house is literally around the corner from everywhere I go (work, shopping, church and recreation), because it's kept the rising gas costs from having an impact on my finances. Well, rising foods costs have hit me, but I'm not really spending much more on gas. I suppose the bike will save a little bit because I can ride it to work and for small errands, but it won't be significant.

At any rate, I'm really looking forward to having the bike. It'll be a lot of fun for me, it'll get me outside more and it'll help me with my weight loss. I feel a little guilty about getting the bike before getting Toby the surgery he needs, but this is for my health as well. And I'll get Toby his surgery in August. I promised him, though I still don't know how I'll come up with that money. *sigh*

Straitjacket

2008-07-07T05:16:00.003-05:00

I still don't know how Alanis can so perfectly sum up my thoughts, my feelings, my heart. Song after song, line after line, I hear my own words - words I could not fully develop but beat as my own heart - come to life in beautiful arrangement.

Here's one from her recent album. All lyrics are hers and I hope it's ok to use them like this. I never really checked into the copyright thing. I think if all the lyrics websites can do it in fair use, so can I.

And I'd like to dedicate this to an ex. Everyone, including him, knows who I'm talking about.

Straitjacket
Something so benign from me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don't know who you're talking to with such fucking disrespect

This shit's making me crazy
The way you nullify what's in my head
You say one thing do another
and argue that's not what you did
Your way's making mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won't be happy til
I'm bound in a straitjacket

Talking with you's like talking to a seive that can't hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what's happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I'll introduce myself and you'll see you've not yet met me

This shit's making me crazy
The way you nullify what's in my head
You say one thing do another
and argue that's not what you did
Your way's making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won't be happy til
I'm bound in a straitjacket

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
your discrediting has lost my consent

Squirrel Trouble

2008-07-06T07:27:00.000-05:00

So what I said in the note yesterday about not wanting to poison the squirrels... nevermind.

One of those little buggers woke me up 35 minutes ago and will not go away.

Where's the poison?

Today

2008-07-05T22:12:00.002-05:00

Well, not Today as in Saturday. But Today as in the home screen of my phone. Being a Windows Mobile 6 phone, it uses the Outlook metaphor of a "today screen" to display information.

As previously mentioned, my phone is an AT&T Tilt, also known as the HTC 9825. I've seen unlocked version and other HTC phones marketing, and their Today screen always looks starkly different than my own. The one advertised has a nice big, easy to read clock, and nice, big easy to click icons (the Tilt is a touch screen phone). The Today screen AT&T put in there had tiny little buttons that were difficult to click on without using the stylus.

Well, somehow I stumbled upon the solution and found a download for the ORIGINAL HTC Today plugin. So my phone went from this,

to this,

And here's what all those little buttons do.

The background image was edited from a promotional image free for download from barackobama.com. The Google search is a plug-in for Windows Mobile phones right from Google (and I need to quit being cheap and get a data plan for my phone so I can use all its features even when I'm not covered by wifi). Oh, and I took the screen shots with a handy little application called My Mobiler. It allows allows remote connection of your Windows Mobile phone. Nifty, eh?

Anyway, I'm now on a quest to find even more great gadgets and themes to customize my phone. I've seen screen shots of some phones that greatly resemble Windows Vista. Love or hate Vista you have to admit, it's really nice looking. I'd love to find that theme for download! Until then, I've been playing with all sorts of fun utilities I found. Like the one that allows me to configure my ringer, wifi, bluetooth and phone status for each hour of each day. It's kind of handy. Now when I go into work, my phone will automatically turn off it's wifi (saves power) and ringer. And when it's time to go, it'll know and automatically turn those back on. I can't wait to see what other fun little gadgets I'm gonna find for my phone. If anyone has suggestions, send 'em on my way!

Windows Media Extender Question

2008-07-05T20:12:00.003-05:00

Do any of my faithful readers have any experience with Windows Media Extender? I have my music collection spread out across my numerous computers (and some on my phone). Some day I will spend the ENTIRE day moving files and folders and organizing it all into one place (with a backup copy, I always make backups and you should, too!).

Until then, I rely on Windows Media Extender. It's handy because it also lets me stream music and videos over my wifi to my XBOX 360. But my desktop isn't showing me all of the music that's on my laptop and I can't figure out why. The laptop is set to share with the desktop, all my music folders are in the laptop's library and the desktop can see some of the music.

Anyone have a suggestion of what I might try? And please don't say iTunes. I abhor their sharing structure.

Wild Life

2008-07-05T19:17:00.003-05:00

I've been awakened by a loud noise the past few mornings. It's always around 7 AM (which means I've only been in bed an hour or two). It's similar to a noise I've heard before when a bad storm brings hail and it bounces off the screen. That's really the only time I've heard anything like it. Since the window is literally right next to my bed, and given that I've become a very light sleeper, these noises startle me awake.

Each time I heard the sound (once I was awake and annoyed by it anyway), I would peel open the many layers of curtains I have on my window (I sleep during the day, gotta keep the rays from the bright burning day-ball out of here!) to see what was causing the sound. Yet each time, I never saw anything. I began to think my somewhat insane ex might have been onto something when he told me my house is haunted. That was until today, when I looked the source of the noise right in the eye.

But more about that in a minute. First, a tale of a life cut short. Suicide is typically a very sad thing. Today, however, it made me laugh. No, I'm not THAT f'ed up! This was a life I was happy to see go.

I was on my way into the cat's room (yeah, they have their own, it's the downstairs bathroom, and they've taken over) to feed them. As I flicked on the light, at about eye level and three feet away, was a big ugly nasty icky stupid spider. It was dangling from it's own little invisible strand of web. I hate spiders. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE spiders. From time to time, I walk through my house, loudly speaking my verbal agreement with all bugs, "If you stay out of my house, I will let you live. If I see you in my house, I will stop at nothing to destroy you." Often, when I kill a spider, I will leave it's dead body as a warning to other spiders.

The spider dropped down another two feet and then dangled some more. I was waiting, really creeped out, for the thing to get near something solid so I could squish it. And I waited. And waited. And waited. Just when I was beginning to consider the trajectory necessary for my shoe to shove the spider against the wall and then squish it, the spider let go, leaping to it's death.

It landed in the cat's water bowl directly below. It put up a bit of a fight but quickly drowned. The way it dangled for a while, then suddenly jumped, can only lead me to conclude the spider had realized what a terrible loathed creature it truly is and could not live with its own horror another day. I, for one, hope all spiders who dare enter my house become suicidal. I'm looking forward to the moment when I see one dangling from its own spun web-noose.

So back to the noise that keeps waking me up. I peeled back the curtains this morning and was suddenly eye to eye with... a squirrel! You may recall from a few posts ago, I have a small bird feeder hanging just outside my living room window. I even included a little picture. What I may not have mentioned (I don't remember what I write here), is that living room window is several feet high. My bedroom is mostly below ground. And my bedroom window is directly below the living room window. Behold!

If you look closely, you'll see a lot of bird seed on the ground. Birds are such messy guests. I've seen the squirrels scampering about on the ground, eating this dropped seed, for several weeks. In fact, the birds and the squirrels really seem to hate one another. The birds squawk and fuss and the squirrels make a little barking sound when they all see each other. I guess squirrels do have a bit of a bad rap for getting into bird feeders. That's one of the reasons mine is so far off the ground. They'd have to take a very long route from the roof over the garage (single story) to where that roof line meets the rest of the house's roof line (two-story) and then back down to edge and somehow jump from above and angle back under mid-jump.

And again, if you look closely, you'll see my bedroom window is a full size window. That little cement barrier is all the protection afforded against stepping into a four and a half foot deep hole in the ground (at the bottom of which is, you guessed it, even more seed!). The whole banging noise has been from the squirrels jumping from the ground, onto the screen, and then scurrying down into the hole to eat the seed. The little guy I came face to face with this morning was petrified with fear for a second or two before he bolted away. I had never seen a squirrel that close up. This one had a really goofy look on his face.

So now I gotta figure out what to do. I like to sleep, and I can't sleep with that noise. I'm also worried about the squirrels destroying the screen. I don't really know what to do to keep them out of there. I guess I could put a board over the hole or something. Someone suggested rat poison, but I don't wanna kill the critters. I only want to keep them away.

At any rate, it's been an interesting weekend with wildlife. Wild indeed!

Jesus Loves Fireworks!

2008-07-05T00:57:00.002-05:00

I often call the annual "I Love America" celebration hosted by a local and misguided mega-church the "What Would Jesus Blow Up?" Show. It's a day full of inflatable rock climbing walls, helicopter rides, excessive shows of military force and a good ole down home helpin' of "God & Country" (that's one thing, not two, in quotes just then). I go late, very late, just in time to see the fireworks. And I stay far enough back that I can't hear their perversion of the Good News.

Anyway, when all is said and done, the fireworks are pretty. So I thought I'd share some pics I snapped with my phone. You can find them here and here. You prolly need to be my friend on Facebook to view them, though I'm not sure. I decided to show Facebook a little love instead of using Picasa for these.

Enjoy! (Oh, and if you click on the pics quickly, they'll load fast enough that you'll get a slight sensation of being there yourself... minus the bad theology)

Tweet Tweet

2008-06-18T04:34:00.004-05:00

In an effort to ensure my blog is 99.9% pointless babbling, I present to you...

my bird feeder! (I know, it's not really fully visible. If you don't see it, look toward the center of the upper portion of the window. You'll see it. Click on the image to see a bigger version if you need help)

I've had it for a few years now but this is the first year I've noticed there's actual regular visitors. In the afternoon, between 2 and 6, two doves always visit. Shortly after sunrise, a lovely red cardinal and his girlfriend show up. There's a black bird with a gold/brown counterpart (they both have really bright gold colored eyes) show up in the evening just before the sun goes down.

And all day long, the cats LOVE sitting in the chair, chattering at the birds. Though the male dove likes to stare back in. I still haven't figured out what it is that's capturing his attention.

Oh, and those status updates I've added to my blog arrive via Twitter. I can update it from my cell phone or online. Those little updates are called Tweets.

Yay.

The Fever Broke

2008-06-16T19:22:00.002-05:00

Last month, I wrote about my iPhone fever returning. Well, now that all the specs are out, my fever's gone. I'm still very happy with my Tilt. The iPhone (STILL!) lacks multimedia messaging and video. While it does have good battery life, my Tilt has better. The iPhone is still stuck at 16GB as well.

The Tilt might not have the hip or wow factors that comes with an iPhone, but I can deal with that. The Tilt does have ALL the features I want in a phone. Now, to finally break down and get a data plan for the thing so I can take advantage of all those features.

Updated Screen names

2008-06-15T17:30:00.001-05:00

Just an FYI. I've added new a new screen name for Yahoo and AIM. It's BrandonMO72. All the old ones still work, and are linked to the new one, so you don't need to make any updates unless you want to. But if you're new to my buddy lists, you might wanna start using BrandonMO72.

That is all.

Geek $quad

2008-06-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

Geek Squad in Mesquite, Texas charges $140 to "remove a virus" from a tablet computer.

Real problem: number lock was turned on.

This Is Our Time

2008-06-04T03:46:00.003-05:00

Around the Corner

2008-06-03T01:59:00.002-05:00

As if everything else weren't already LITERALLY just around the corner (or a corner) from my home, I read this in the Springfield Business Journal Daily Update:

Overland Park, Kan.-based Dickinson Theatres Inc., the proprietary owner of IMAX rights in the Springfield market, repurchased Springfield 8 Cinema, 3200 E. Montclair St., from Goodrich Quality Theaters in May for an undisclosed price.

Dickinson, which operates 36 theaters and 337 screens in 10 states, built Springfield 8 in 1990 and sold it to Goodrich in 1999. Dickinson now plans a $3 million renovation, namely adding a 7,000-square-foot IMAX auditorium with seating for 475.

That theater is just down the hill from my house. It's prolly no more than a mile and a half away. Which means, soon, with everything else that's less than five minutes from my home, I'll have an IMAX that I can visit.

I love where I live.

Music From the Heavens: Pt 2

2008-05-30T19:40:00.002-05:00

Something unexpected arrived today. An envelope with no return address and a postmark that was oddly smudged so I couldn't make out a city or zip code contained a $50 gift card for XM Radio. If you've followed my blog for very long, you may remember a post I made about XM a while back.

Lately, I've really missed XM. Yeah, I still have my iPod, and I even finally added a lot more music to it (it's nearly at capacity now). There are times, though, that I really want to hear new music. And ONLY music. Local radio around here, as I suspect it is everywhere, rarely plays MUSIC anymore. It's either DJ's trying to sound hip while they blabber on about entirely mundane things or annoying commercials ("NO MONEY DOWN!!!! NO OFFER REFUSED!!!! WE'RE LYING TO GET YOU TO BUY A CAR!!!!!!").

And now, as if someone was reading my mind, my XM is back. As I ran errands today, it was so nice to have a few hundred channels of music at my fingertips. And I heard some new music, at least it was new to me, that has me online looking for more stuff by those same artists.

To my anonymous benefactor, thank you. You absolutely made my day!

And to my Mom, on another matter entirely... thank you! Once again my parents have saved the day. I am so blessed.

Friday is the New Saturday

2008-05-30T09:39:00.002-05:00

You know, I really tend to be annoyed all the "blah is the new blarg" type statements. But I couldn't think of a better subject line.

My schedule changes on Monday. By an entire half hour. I'll begin going into work at 3:45 (yes, in the afternoon) and heading home at 12:30 (yes, in the morning). Darn, no more sleeping until 3. I'll have to get up at the unbelievably early hour of 2:30 in the afternoon!

I'm thankful my days off remained the same. I'm still off Friday & Saturday. It's a handy little weekend. I get a weekday to run errands and all that jazz, but I'm also off on Saturday. Since I go in so late in the day, I'm practically off on Sunday as well, so I can still go to church (when I can wake up that early; I'm totally on a night schedule now!).

So "YAY!" for mandatory shift-bids and a company that demands flexibility from its employees but refuses to show any in its own affairs.

The Homo Manifesto v1.0

2008-05-23T05:10:00.003-05:00

There's something that's been on my mind, in my heart, for a long time, trying to get out. I've never really been sure how to start it. It's not a simple thought. And it's rather hard for me to summarize the whole thing. I've talked about bits and pieces of this with friends before, but never really bothered to document any of it.

Why tonight was different, I dunno. I was in the Springfield gay.com chat room when a friend sent me a private message. I haven't heard from him in a couple of years. We got all caught up on what's been going on, had some nice chat, and then discussed what follows (please ignore all typo's):

<L> oh look- they are talking philosophy in the main room...
<L> lol
<Brandon> well, as best as they can. bless their hearts.
<L> LMAO!!!!
<L> the precious things...
<Brandon> I tell ya "D", I ignore the chat room mostly.
<Brandon> it's all just dick and sex jokes.
<Brandon> And that would be ok, if it were every now and then. But *EVERYTHING* turns into that.
<Brandon> It's like being in the 7th grade.
<L> well, i find them funny sometimes, but you saw what a LONG break i took from this place this time
<Brandon> So I visit, I hang out in pvt chat, and I ignore the immaturity of the chat room.
<Brandon> I also grow weary of how everyone trash talks each other. I know it's in jest, but it's unhealthy. It's like a war-zone, always trying to one-up each other.
<Brandon> or else sleep with each other.
<Brandon> OK, sorry, off my soapbox.
<L> Tell it sistah!
<Brandon> I long for a healthy gay community to be a part of, so it's discouraging to me.
<L> i agree with you. but i wanted to meet people somehow since i am moving up there, so here i am! Yay
<Brandon> good :)
<Brandon> now... let's recruit others.
<Brandon> I keep meaning to write the HomoManifesto
<Brandon> the basic message will be, "HEY! HOMO'S! GROW UP!"
<L> Hmmm.- I like it.
<L> Mine would be: "HEY! HOMOS! GROW SOME HEARTS!"
<Brandon> well, that's all part of growing up. Accepting all facets of maturity.
<L> well- i didn't think most of them would get the "Get self-aware- NOW" sign...
<L> lol
<Brandon> oh, I know.
<Brandon> My message meets with so my opposition.
<Brandon> er, so much.
<Brandon> They claim that, as I try to usher them toward a healthier existance, that I'm just trying to "limit" their "self-expression."
<Brandon> I don't think they understand that freedom doesn't mean abandoning common sense.
<L> exactly
<L> and a sense of decency, self respect is a foreign concept
<Brandon> I know. It breaks my heart.
<Brandon> People thinking they're so free, when really they're just in slavery.
<L> to what exactly do you mean? their lust? their need for instant gratification?
<Brandon> slavery to that existance.
<Brandon> of drama, and empty sex, and all that.
<Brandon> I'm not suggesting people adopt my way of life. I know I'm VERY old fashioned.
<Brandon> But learn to love and respect yourself, and in doing so, you'll learn to love and respect other people.
<L> im not going to be hyppocritical and say that I ODNT have meaningless sex- I do- but maybe 3 times in the last 3 years, the others meant something
<Brandon> that's what I'm saying
<Brandon> It's gonna happen, and I don't expect people to live the way I do.
<Brandon> But, so many people seem to live accepting nothing else. Always on the prowl for it. And do they ever, EVER, stop and wonder why they need more and more and more cock?
<Brandon> why it is that they're never satisified?
<L> i'm not like that- but i do want human touch at times. i went 4 years without it, so I know I can. but some people just need to have it all the time, from anyone, anywhere, i don't get that
<L> i think they just need to feel loved, or feel pleasure, no matter from whom
<Brandon> It's because they've forsaken what is right, what is good, for what is easy and quick.
<L> even if its just for 5 minutes.
<Brandon> and I'm not saying I've not been there. It happened, once. I felt terrible after.
<Brandon> Not for myself.
<Brandon> But that I had just used somebody for my own gratification.
<Brandon> I just don't know how to get the message out, "There is a better way, a way in which life will mean more."
<L> honestly, i don't have a problem with it, as long as its mutual gratification. People can do what they want, and i don't feel the need to judge them too harshly, nor to change them. I don't live that way because I choose not to be promiscuous, but they are not me.
<Brandon> Yeah, this isn't about judgement, or wanting to change people just for the sake of changing them.
<L> but i understand what you are saying, and admire you for it, i think maybe i am a bit too cynical.
<Brandon> It's about seeing people that seem so unhappy.
<Brandon> they're like little mice on the wheel. Running, running, running. Never getting anywhere.
<L> in that aspect, i feel its' worthwhile wanting to help them.
<Brandon> My heart breaks for them, "D".
<Brandon> do you mind if I edit this little chat to remove the names (yours and mine) and post it online?
<L> well, brandon- the world needs more people like you.
<L> i don't care- am i looking foolish or stupid?
<L> lol
<Brandon> Not at all.
<L> ok then :)
<Brandon> I've been thinking about writing up something for a while...
<Brandon> maybe if it's presented in a conversational form, people will find it easier to hear? I dunno.
<L> Maybe- Like I said- I am quite cynical. Hey- if it touches ONE person- that's one person- right?
<L> brb
<Brandon> good point.
<Brandon> k, I'll be here.

And with that, The Homo Manifesto is born. I want this to become a collaborative thing. I want feedback from people. Mainly gay people, but feedback from everyone will be welcome. And I mean any sort of feedback. If you're on board with this, want to ask a clarifying question or even if you want to scream mean things at me, let me hear it. Over time, I hope to recruit a team of people who will help me revise this, flesh it out, edit it, expand on some of the ideas, and generally get this thing started and alive.

So, let's hear it. What do you think of the Homo Manifesto? What thoughts or feelings does it stir within you?

Geesh

2008-05-21T12:07:00.004-05:00

Geesh.

I don't have the best immune system I suppose, because I tend to get one or two respiratory infections each year. But I usually get over it pretty quick. Not this time around!

I visited the Dr today. I'm kinda bummed because she said there's not really much she can give me. I have two things going on at once. She could give me some antibiotics, but that would exacerbate the other problem, probably even prolonging it while making it worse.

So I'm on a few over the counter medications with instructions to keep hydrated, rest a lot (that's a problem, I wake up either coughing or needing to run to the bathroom every 30 minutes) and let it all run its course. If, on Friday, half of it's not starting to get better (not be gone, just starting to get better), she'll give me an antibiotic but warns that the other problem will prolly get worse.

Oh, and I can't go back to work until AT LEAST Sunday. That's an entire week out of work. Yeah, um, hello homelessness?

Geesh.

At least this whole thing meant I just got to see my man Barack Obama live on TV :)

Syndication

2008-05-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

So I finally got around to adding my blog feed to the Notes application on Facebook. Now, all of my friends on Facebook who never bother visiting my blog (lousy bums) can read everything I post in my blog.

Upside: More people get to read all the pointless things I write about.
Downside: I now have to keep up with comments in two locations. At least I get e-mail notifications about each.

So yeah, another post about entirely nothing. I should get a show. And if you're reading this on Facebook, and wondering, "Where do these pointless notes come from?" then you should visit http://brandon72.blogspot.com. And for those of you already here (or there, I'm confused, it's early), then you don't need to go anywhere. Except to work. You're probably late.

Phones

2008-05-19T19:40:00.002-05:00

Last Fall, it became abundantly clear that I needed a new phone. Like many people, I only have a cellular line. I simply see no need for a traditional land line. And so, I've been cell-only for almost a decade. But the phone I had, a black RAZR, had crapped out on me after about a year, and as I was approaching the two year mark, it was nearly useless. The face of it fell off constantly. It would freeze up. It dropped calls. It would refuse to turn on. It was, generally, junk. Motorola made a good design, but the demand stripped them of their ability to keep up quality.

Anyway, it was time for a new phone. I really had my eye on the iPhone, but it lacked a few features that, I felt, should be included in a phone in that price range. Namely 3G support, GPS and video capability. I also wasn't too keen on it's limited 8 GB memory. After months of internal debate, I found a phone I could live with. The AT&T Tilt, made by HTC. It has a 3.0 megapixel camera, support for up to 32 GB of memory via a built in microSD slot, GPS and 3G(though I still have no data plan for it), plus WiFi support. It runs on Windows Mobile 6 (which has been relatively bug free) and even has a keyboard that slides out (my friends with iPhones SWEAR that I'd get use to the full touch-screen if I had one).

Now, it appears that a new iPhone is just around the corner. And it the rumor mill seems to indicate that the next iPhone will have the features it previously lacked (though I haven't heard any word on increased storage). I really like my current phone, but now I'm starting to get iPhone fever all over again. OY!

Feel Better

2008-05-18T07:54:00.003-05:00

Isn't it great how simply talking to Mom can make you feel a lot better? I am so blessed to have such amazing parents.

I'm very sick today, so I called my parents as early as I thought they would be awake. A 30 minute phone call made me feel better. I'm still very sick (prolly the stomach flu), but Mom's words were so comforting.

I'm a Momma's boy and damn proud of it!

$314.50

2008-05-17T02:55:00.002-05:00

Profile 2 (VTPS/Lytes): 60.00*
Fluids, IV cath with surgery: 40.00
Anesthetic recovery and nursing care: 20.00
Ketaset Diazepam (x2): 30.00
Surgical Supplies: 30.00
Biohazard Disposal Fee: 1.00
Tumor Removal: 80.00
Pain Reliever: 25.00
Neopolybac Opthalmic Ointment: 8.50

Total estimated charges: $294.50.

Actual total may vary between $294.50 and $314.50.

May also need a collar after surgery to prevent scratching. They run about $10 - $15.

* bloodwork optimal: the least expensive bloodwork to evaluate anesthesia.

And that was the treatment plan I received from Toby's vet to remove a tumor on his right eyelid. It's been growing rapidly and irritates him quite a bit. He often scratches, causing it to bleed. That causes further irritation when the blood gets in his eye.

The surgery itself will remove most of Toby's upper eyelid. What's not mentioned in the treatment plan is that Dr. Sherman believes she can graft healthy tissue to build a partial artificial eyelid so Toby can still blink his eye. She can't promise it, but she's going to try.

The problem with all this: I don't have the money to pay for it right now. Yet this surgery needs to happen now. Actually, it literally needed to happen last week, when he was examined. I'm not really sure what to do about this one. I'm absolutely stretched to my limit with my student loan payments that nearly tripled in January (I reached the end of the "graduated payment scale" and had to begin making larger payments). I've had expenses on my car (which aren't over; I have a tire that looks like it'll blow any day now) and with my own health (don't even get me started). And now my baby boy, who's not really a baby anymore - he just turned 8 - needs surgery to remove a tumor.

What do I do?

Hrmmm...

2008-05-09T03:52:00.002-05:00

A quote from tonight's Grey's Anatomy:

"You're telling yourself you're a hero, when in reality all you are is alone."

Game Over

2008-04-28T04:29:00.003-05:00

Or is it, "Brandon's social life, over?" I'm not sure.

I work full time (well...). Mario Kart Wii was just released (and it's super-dee-duper fun). In about 19 1/2 hours from this entry, I will also have Grand Theft Auto IV (I'm totally addicted to the GTA series). When will I sleep? When will I eat? When will I do anything but work and play games?

At least Mario Kart's release means when I get stuck on an GTA IV mission, I can switch over to another game for a while.

*sigh* And there's so many more games coming out this year that I must own. OY! I guess 2008 will be my year of "no human contact please, unless you happen to be on XBOX Live."

Geek humor

2008-04-27T23:41:00.003-05:00

Seen at work today

Sexy Pictures

2008-04-23T04:02:00.002-05:00

Many readers will be disappointed that my blog title is misleading. Sorry about that. But I do have a bit of advice for everyone.

If your computer is running very slow, despite being very new, and Internet Explorer randomly opens four or five new windows of "garbage," and you have no anti-virus software and only a poorly rated anti-spyware utility, and you have been downloading "sexy movies from sexy websites", then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE believe your trusted tech support guy when he tells you, quite confidently, "You have a virus."